The Cazman

Quotes

2011-11-14T19:53:00.001-05:00

I wrote these long ago and I am putting them here again.

“1. Do not scorn me because the most creative thing you have done today was set your alarm clock yesterday."

"2. A Joker can always be a King. However, a King can never be a Joker. I will be the Joker so I can be both."

"3. Maybe life is really just about saving one. For once one is saved then the all can follow.".

Dan

My commitment

2011-01-24T08:31:00.002-05:00

Hello Folks,
I have a story to this so instead of telling it now I will simply post the link to my Team in Training Leukemia & Lymphoma Society Fundraising Page. If you have questions or want more information please ask. If you can not donate I understand, money sucks for me as well :( stop by the page to donate or not.

http://pages.teamintraining.org/nj/philtri11/dcasmas

Dan

Voices

2010-10-22T15:14:00.000-04:00

Even if the voices aren't real sometimes the voices have some good ideas.

Sprint Triathlon and something

2010-08-24T07:35:00.002-04:00

I have recently started training for a Sprint Triathlon on October 3rd, I stared before Becky bird passed (I still miss her a lot).

The idea to do the Sprint Triathlon started one day when I looked in the mirror and was sick of looking at my fat self staring back at me. I went on Weight Watchers and lost like 40 Pd but was still looking saggy and fat. I asked a friend what he would do and he said I needed a fitness goal and on that day I choose my fitness goal to a Sprint Triathlon.

Fast forward to today and I am now 60 Pd lighter and in decent shape. I still have some sag and a touch more too tight or loss here and there.

History recap, about a year ago some events happened while I was dating I was lead me to gain confidence in myself. At the time I really had no idea what my limits were anymore and I am still not sure.

Fast forward back to today and yet again my personality is changing due my efforts to train for this pending Sprint Triathlon.

Thankfully, my focus has been on the Sprint Triathlon which has helped distract me from being single or missing Becky bird.
What I find interesting and scary in a deep corner of my soul is that for over a year now I have become more and more unfamiliar with portions of who I am.

This concerns me in some ways but in others ways I figure I will find out when I get there.

So that is what is going on recently.

DKC

PS: There is a girl that I meet recently and for some reason my soul thinks I will date her. The situation is not the best and I really do not have any logic for the feeling. But I seem to blindly trust this odd feeling, so we will see how that works out.

Becky Bird 08/14/01 - 06/18/10

2010-07-02T19:49:00.006-04:00

Becky Bird my dear pet past away 06/18/10. I was away on vacation in Syracuse at the time Becky was with friends. She past suddenly from what my friends told me, I am not sure if she missed me, got scared or was ill.
A little more about Becka Lynn Bird Cazman (Becky), she was given to me as a gift from my father when I went to FL for a visit. My grandmother was still living at the time. When I first got her I sat with her and stared at her for a day to try and figure out a name that would suit her.
I like names similar to Susan because the name can also be Sue. That was my first way I got to Becka Lynn. After that I decided that I like names with the letter B and finally I wanted something less common, this is how I got Becka Lynn Bird Cazman or Becky Bird Cazman for short.
Shortly after deciding Becky’s named, I decided I need to make her a promise. My promise was that I would always do my best to love her, protect her and to give her the best life I could manage.
When I returned to NJ, Becky bird came to NJ with me on the train. This was the beginning of my life for a little longer than 9 years begin with Becky bird.

Becky was a sweet, friendly bird; very loving in fact she loved most guys. For whatever reason Becky decided I was her favorite and only toy. Becky also treated me like I was her husband, son and brother she was always very protective of me especially when I would take a nap with her near me.
When Becky first got home to NJ I refused to respond to her various noises and after some time Becky stopped making a lot of noise. This is how I came to affectionately told people that Becky thought I was deaf.
I called Becky many things over the years. My Flying crap machine, my flying crapping vulture, my love, my Dear and other things that I cannot think of at this time.
For now this is my eulogy, I will continue more later on, this blog for a while may just be my memories and open letter to my pet past so excuse me for being away so long and for focusing on one topic over my next few entries and days.

DKC

New Car

2009-08-19T20:50:00.002-04:00

I had to cancel my vacation due to my 01 civic trasmission going bad. I then bought a new 09 civic. all that and i am in new apartment now 19 days.

Thats all for today.

Colonoscopy

2009-07-25T22:28:00.004-04:00

I had a colonoscopy a couple of weeks ago. The Sunday before the colonoscopy was a fast day which went a lot easier than I expected. This Sunday was the first day I can recall were I went without food for so long. Going without food was not as hard as I had read but perhaps that is because of the cleanse that I started at 3pm that Sunday?
Anyway, I did the cleanse and while that was not fun. I have been through worse in life.
Monday came, I went to the clinic with my brother, filled out the forums the entire time being terrified. I got into the gown, went into the room and they put the stint into my hand. I waited in true terror for the solution that would put me out. When they put that solution into my body I did not think I was going to go out. 30 seconds or less later I was out.
40 minutes later I was awoken feeling great, like I just came from a normal sleep. No pain no problem.
I am not going to say my fear was for nothing but the colonoscopy went very well.
No cancer was the result!

DKC

I am back

2009-06-29T18:45:00.002-04:00

Single again :(

Things did not work out with the girl and her two kids. We rented a house moved into and now I live in that house alone less than a year later. The house is a 3 bedroom house and I am here until at least the end of the month of July.

The girl decided to move out of the house early due to our relationship troubles. In the end the problems were mutual and I am sad it is over but I have to focus on other things now.

Like what is next? Do I rent another 1 bedroom apartment like where I came from or do I decide to buy?
Additionally, I have a colonoscopy scheduled for next week due to problems in that area. So I am pretty unhappy about the prep work, procedure and all. This truly will be the first time I have been put out. My hernia operation did not require me to be put out.
Anyway, I am uncomfortable and scared with the pending colonoscopy. I am confused to the right answers of purchasing or renting and that is what is going on these days.

DKC

News update

2008-06-23T14:51:00.003-04:00

Hello there readers,
The following is news update of my life.

Currently I am dating a girl with 2 kids for about 5.5 months, she has 2 kids and things are going very well.

We are thinking of buying a house together or at the least renting together. I know to most readers that it seems like a fast movement in a short amount of time. I have historically said similar fast movements are a mistake.

Well I can not tell anyone what the future holds but what I can say is this girl and I are reasonable people and the market is very ripe for a purchase. We will make a legal arrangement for the worse case situation and proceed with caution.

I am feeling very positive about all the goings on even though they are fast. So that is a lot from a guy that has been single most of his life. A few posts ago I thought I would never find a girl.

Besides that I am working, love my job but at training last week a IT manager from Nasa in the same class as me asked me for my resume. So even thought I was not looking, who am I to say no to Nasa?

My weight is not excellent, I am above average BMI would mark me as obese :( 235 and 5'11 tall.

My hair is still thinning at a slow rate.

I am biking and hiking and will probably be going camping soon.

That is all I can think of right now on this update.

Be Well :)

Beep Beep

2008-01-23T16:47:00.001-05:00

I have a new reader, from what I am told by this lady I am seeing. Thats right you read it here first the Cazman is actually seeing a someone and its a living female.
Anyway, besides that rant she said some nice things about the blog and my insanity written herein.

Its a new year, with new goals, and thoughts.
This year I am looking to loss 40 pounds of fat,
Get on a plane and fly some place ...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :(
Possibly buy a condo,
Possibly look for a new job,
Continue enjoying every day I get to live,
If I am lucky, I will keep this lady around long enough that I can change the single and looking thing off to the side. Who knows what adventures await?

Be well out there.
DKC

If I told you the whole story

2007-12-20T13:53:00.000-05:00

If I told you the whole story, all the detail, every risk. Would the outcome be fair despite the results?

Are we all alone in a crowded room?

Must life really be about lying?

Maybe evolution has further to go with people so we can live without fear of the truth and each other.

I recently made a statement to someone, I said I try never to lie and she said "don't be silly everyone lies". I am no longer sure that is not true, even though I make the best effort to not lie.

I need to live life better in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally. I hope I live long enough to figure out how and maybe even explain that here.

Happy Holidays.
DKC :)

Check in

2007-11-28T11:56:00.001-05:00

A friend surprised me the other day by saying "I was reading your blog yesterday and wanted to ask...", I forget what he asked but I found it chilling that people I know actually read my blog. Then I thought that was funny, I have always suspected no one was reading or anonymous strangers were reading. Heck I make my own comments to things I write .

Either way, things are going well.
I am seeing a girl,(nothing serious yet)
I have all new furniture,
I am going on weight watchers,
I am a little less then 5k in debut,
I have more single friends, and things to do.

I have new goals which include
getting back out of debut,
saving to buy real estate,
losing weight without going to a gym,
I can not think of more of my new goals now.

I also learned that even if something is true it does not need to be said. ie do not speak negatively even if it is true. Also, put my pants on before my shoes. Something else that is escaping me for now. I will maybe come back and update this entry more later.

Be well

Worse Case Scenario

2007-10-23T09:52:00.000-04:00

I love claiming every situation at its worse case scenario. Thinking about a situation becoming the worse case scenario is just so exciting and addictive I can just eat it up like candy yum yum yum...

I am far too paranoid, impulsive and dramatic and I am sure that makes me a sucker. The amount of effort it takes to stop these railroading thoughts is pretty intensive and some times almost impossible. I know this makes me a little obsessive and I do not deny it but identification is the first step. I just need to focus more because the more I write about this problem the more I understand it really is a problem.

I have noticed small Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behavior in myself which I am sure feeds into everything I just said. However, this doomsayer situation I have is not productive for anyone including me. It only adds to other peoples panic. This is a problem I am going to have to work on. This is my first step, writing about it hopefully new steps will come

DKC

Change in the air

2007-10-02T10:10:00.000-04:00

I am back, sorry for the wait. I never really found a purpose from my last post and thanks for the comments.

I got all my furniture now and about 6k in debut.

I had a old college buddy contact me out of the blue last night. We are going to meet up one night soon. Right after that I had this strange feeling that my life is about to change. It is a very strong feeling like the sound of a buzzing bee in my ear. Anyway that is all I have to say about it for now. My 6th sense is tingling and I am not sure if what to come is bad or good but I think my life has some big changes to come.

We will see :)

DKC

Purpose

2007-05-13T20:33:00.000-04:00

Lately I have been trying to figure out what my purpose is or what the point is of my life.
It does not seem like I am going to meet the right lady for me any time soon so if the purpose of my life is to get married or have children then I am not sure I am going to accomplish that. Maybe one of these Eharmony ladies will work out? But really is that point of life?
One of my best friends once told me that people’s purpose in life was to consume and produce. Well I certainly consume, and I produce computer repair so I am doing that. My recent goals have been to buy nice stuff and in the end a house / condo.
That does not seem very satisfying to me but getting new stuff is always good. Maybe I should try to volunteer again? I have always lived life trying to be the best person I can be but is that really my purpose combined with consumption and production?
I need to mull it over more; maybe I will bring this topic up again soon.

Either way, be well and enjoy today.
DKC

How is fear dealt with?

2007-05-08T22:04:00.000-04:00

I suppose fear is one of the most motivating factors in my life. At least for me fear and anxiety seem to be heavy influencers. Not that I live my life always in fear but I do find it behind harder choices and life situations.
I suppose I need to work with my therapist about this situation but I generally assume there are people like me out there. I wonder how people with a problem with fear get from here to there. It seems so 2nd skin to me that its hard for me to understand people who seem to live life without fear...

I will try to live strong and I think I need to define my purpose to gain a better edge on my currect fear.

Surgery went well

2007-05-07T16:58:00.001-04:00

I am happy to say that the surgery went well and I seriously went over board with the stress and pain. I sadly even smoked cigarettes again. It’s all good, tomorrow is a new day and I have plans to start an all new healthy life. Healing past the surgery is the first step.

Funny I did not have to get knocked out for the surgery.

Keep you posted

Surgery

2007-05-04T14:51:00.000-04:00

My surgery is coming Monday. I am pretty freaked out over it even though the surgery is minor. The doctor told me if you ever wanted to have surgery that the surgery I was getting was the best one. I have never been knocked out beyond sleeping that and the fact that I am in no pain distributes me greatly.

March forward, enjoy each day as it comes and do not regret.

Original quotes

2007-04-19T21:52:00.000-04:00

My Favorite original quotes.

"1. Do not scorn me because the most creative thing you have done today was set your alarm clock yesterday."

"2. A Joker can always be a King. However, a King can never be a Joker. I will be the Joker so I can be both."

"3. Maybe life is really just about saving one. For once one is saved then the all can follow.".

Take 27

2007-04-19T19:02:00.000-04:00

I was going to just say take 2 but that felt too small and then I went to take 2007 but that did not seem funny so here we are take 27.
The idea here is keep trying until the end or the action is right. The problem is if a person applies the rule to life and each day of life being a chance to get things right like the movie ground hogs day then I want to keep taking forever even if I get it aka life right one day. See, I guess at the core that my problem is I do not want to die.

Most people live with or in fear and I am no exception. My fears lie in ends like death then in confinement and finally in failure.
Failure is a very selfish fear and really only defined by the individual in my opinion. That is the core of my fear of failure it’s not stable and changes with how I feel from one day to the next.

Well maybe later I will expand more I am distracted for now by the nice day outside and I really have to pee.

Man what a moster post below

A slightly drunk IM Chat

2007-04-16T22:12:00.000-04:00

Shortly after this chat below with my IM friend I had a conversation with this girl I am seeing and she wants some more space. Overall the idea is not that freaky to me but I will see in the future. Honestly things did seem to be going a little quick for 2 weeks despite the fact that I need to get laid. I was pushing a bit too hard which is fine; I can lay off because I am very good at being single. Overall good times but I am seeing a surgeon tomorrow for a hernia operation in the near future. That is a bit scary.
Be well
DKC

IM Chat

Dcazman: Hello, I am seriously buzzed and almost ready to call this girl I am seeing for her to give me the break up talk
Dcazman: I may try to arrange it to be my idea however so I can walk out of it with something but after I will most likely be depressed since I can not seem to hold a relationship
Dcazman: and now I am just rambling to you watching some crappy anime after drinking at a work function
Female Friend: breaking up? That sucks.
Dcazman: makes me really think I am a bad guy
Female Friend: didn’t know you were seeing anyone
Dcazman: yeah she has been giving me the sign that she is not interested of late and eluded to the breakup talk
Dcazman: o I thought I mentioned that sorry, it was short 2 weeks
Dcazman: just enough to remind me of the sweetness of what seemed to be what I dream a functional relationship is
Dcazman: I think I have to change something with therapy for sure if this ends
Female Friend: are you on match.com? I went on several dates through there last year before I met the current bf.
Dcazman: eharmony
Dcazman: I got sick of match
Dcazman: I think I might be to heavy in weight or very unattractive or too unique of a personality
Female Friend: just keep fishing Hon. She’s out there somewhere
Female Friend: no way. You’re being too hard on yourself.
Dcazman: I do not know, I think I will climb back into buying furniture and stuff whole and just stay single.
Female Friend: aaaaaww
Dcazman: I am like the only guy I know that does not piss on trees
Dcazman: and worry if I am gay
Dcazman: I do not care about sports
Dcazman: and I am not an ass hole
Female Friend: uh, do you like to fuck guys?
Female Friend: that would be a clue to the whole "gay" question...
Dcazman: god I wish I did
Dcazman: it would be easier
Dcazman: but no there is not a single guy that is attractive to me
Female Friend: I hear ya. I’ve wished I was a lesbian... but I like men too much
Dcazman: I get sick just thinking of kissing a guy or anything.
Dcazman: Thinking about being gay makes me want to throw up
Female Friend: hehe. Don’t worry. You don't have to kiss any guys.
Dcazman: I think something happened to me a long time ago and my personality changed in a way that is incapable of dating
Dcazman: it was around the time I got sick of using people and always getting what I wanted
Dcazman: I just wanted a female to like who I was, everything, no holding back
Dcazman: before then no women would say no, I mean seriously I use to have tons of sex, way more then most guys I know. Almost a porn star
Dcazman: But then I changed and now I am honest and truly like who I am
Dcazman: I smile at almost everything except sickness or death
Female Friend: are you putting too much pressure on yourself? Just relax and date
Dcazman: I always have fun even when someone is being mean
Dcazman: it has to be me
Dcazman: I mean I am 36 and no girl can stand to date me for more then 6 months
Dcazman: this girl could not even stand 2 weeks
Dcazman: it says something; I use to dream it was everyone else
Dcazman: but when it is everyone else then guess what
Dcazman: you’re alone
Female Friend:
Female Friend: I’m not buying it
Female Friend: I find you very pleasant
Female Friend: good conversationalist
Dcazman: everyone does
Dcazman:
Female Friend: sense of humor
Dcazman: but no one wants to date me
Dcazman: I am "quirky" (insane)
Female Friend: seems you can hold a job
Dcazman: I am the most unique person I know ...
Female Friend: everyone is quirky once you get to know them
Female Friend: seriously
Dcazman: yep loved at work and by friends
Dcazman: yes everyone "quirky" is but I am the about the only one honest about my insanty.
Dcazman: See, I made a vow years ago...always tell the truth
Dcazman: always
Dcazman:
Female Friend: that’s awesome
Dcazman: and since then I have not had a relationship
Dcazman: To make it different with this girl I have even lied a tiny bit, because my friends beg me.
Female Friend: are you speaking your mind when it's not necessary? Maybe you need to learn diplomacy
Dcazman: My friends say let her get to know me, lie a little, go slow.
Dcazman: Or maybe I am too much of a push over.
Dcazman: that is probably true
Dcazman: I like to think and consider someone else’s thought hardly ever do I take the hard line
Female Friend: dude, I wish we were neighbors. I’d have you over for a beer and a heart to heart
Dcazman: I am half in the bag
Female Friend: I know, the beer would be for me
Dcazman: I am just giving you it all, I am a bit sorry and if I was not so buzzed I would say it
Female Friend: you can say anything here. No worries!
Dcazman: you see how open this is, this is me! I am every day just a bit less
Female Friend: and I know Becky isn't going to tell your secrets
Dcazman: if I were an oven I would 5 degree cooler then this converstaion now.
Dcazman: I am just this open and direct
Dcazman: but I am also caring and see everything about people.
Dcazman: I could twist your mind if I wanted, and play games like everyone else
Dcazman: but it makes me SICK
Dcazman: god it does
Female Friend: relaaaaaax babe
Female Friend: you're so worked up
Dcazman: yeah I am sad, one year of being single and this one girl I pick
Dcazman: can not even handle 2 weeks
Dcazman: we have not even had sex
Female Friend: and you don't even know for sure if this girl wants to have the "breakup talk". Let her speak her mind before you jump to conclusions
Dcazman: I was just getting into cuddling
Dcazman: well once she says I need space I am coming back with the "I am out"
Dcazman: 2 weeks you need space, sorry, we are not right
Dcazman: I mean honestly
Dcazman: 2 weeks, someone needs space?
Female Friend: maybe she's feeling pressured and space would be good
Dcazman: I do not want to be lead around like some dog
Dcazman: really?
Female Friend: yes really
Dcazman: seems like it’s insane to ask for space so early
Dcazman: fucking, I wear my emotions on my sleeve so easy to see what I am up to
Female Friend: seems a little strange to consider that you're in a bf/gf relationship after 2 weeks. Don’t even know each other at all.
Dcazman: GD'ing honesty
Female Friend: slow it down
Dcazman: gah you might have a point
Female Friend: let her call and talk when she's ready
Dcazman: gah did me mention I was sorry for this chat yet?
Female Friend: hehe
Female Friend: you'd better not
Dcazman: GAH!
Female Friend: I live for this shit
Dcazman: I hate to to abuse our IM relationship
Dcazman: and I am buzzed
Female Friend: oh come on
Dcazman: I like you a lot, honestly
Dcazman:
Female Friend: if I have to go I’ll let you know
Dcazman: well you are A OK with me
Female Friend: hehe. back atcha Dano
Dcazman: brb getting some water
Female Friend: okee
Dcazman: my buzz was wearing off so I got a beer as well
Dcazman: tomorrow I go to the doctors
Dcazman: for pre-evaluation surgery
Dcazman: never had surgery
Dcazman: I am pretty freaked out about that
Female Friend: gonna tell me what for?
Dcazman: then the dermatologist to get rid of some of my skin tabs
Dcazman: o stomach hernia
Female Friend:
Female Friend: outpatient procedure?
Dcazman: I guess, same day thing I am told
Female Friend: don't drink too much sweetie. You don't want to be dehydrated tomorrow for your surgery. Be careful.
Dcazman: the surgeon will give me more information tomorrow
Dcazman: o surgery is not tomorrow
Dcazman: the surgeon is just going to poke me and write me down on some schedule
Female Friend: whew. I was worried and going to lecture you further.
Female Friend: gotcha
Dcazman: no I would be a mess, complexly sober right now if i had surgery comming
Dcazman: and taking some zaniax
Female Friend: you'll be fine.
Dcazman:
Dcazman: you have some time for more rambles?
Female Friend: surely.
Dcazman: I probably should just blog this
Female Friend: I’m just trying to convince my 9 yr old that he should take a bath.
Dcazman: anyway 2001 I declared bankruptcy for 50k
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: a year later I feel into this deep depression and anxiety
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: and I was sitting in my apartment and sad
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I got a kidney stone
Female Friend: ooouch
Dcazman: went to the hospital and became a bit of a Hypercondriact after that
Dcazman: anyway
Dcazman: during the week it took for the kidney stone to pass
Dcazman: I went over everything; I was so sad and lonely, anxious
Dcazman: I realized I had nothing really besides friends in my life
Dcazman: so I decided I needed to go back to some kind of religion
Dcazman: anyways, I figured the only 2 I would go to was catholic (raised, everyone is catholic)
Dcazman: or Buddhism
Dcazman: so sitting there alone in my apartment, in pain and scared
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I reviewed my entire life
Dcazman: and I realized during that week every mistake, lie and everything
Dcazman: all this shitty things I did to women and people,
Dcazman: and all the lies I had told to make people like me
Dcazman: I realized most of my friends had no idea who I was or anything about me
Dcazman: and my family could not care if I lived or die
Dcazman: anyway, during that week I decided to go back to Catholicism not because I have faith Dcazman: but because of a educated choice
Dcazman: but I figured if I was god I would not just take me Dcazman back
Dcazman: so I figured I had to give something to god to get back in and prove myself to god.
Dcazman: and what I gave was lying
Female Friend: wow
Female Friend: I admire the commitment
Dcazman: on that day I decided that I would do the best I could to never lie
Dcazman: so that is my ramble
Dcazman: and I am not sure why I told you
Female Friend: cause we're buddies
Dcazman: but you are like the 2nd person to know that
Dcazman: I think I had a point before
Dcazman: but lord knows what it was
Female Friend: really? Thank you for trusting me with that.
Dcazman: really
Dcazman: it’s kind of a long, boring sad story
Female Friend: I don’t think so
Dcazman: and it confuses many people
Dcazman: so I do not tell it
Female Friend: I think that that thought process brought you to a stronger, better place. That’s not sad or boring.
Dcazman: yeah that makes sense
Female Friend: most people just go through their lives not putting much thought into their motivations.
Female Friend: but you did, and you didn't like where you were at, and you made a conscious choice to change.
Female Friend: be proud of that
Dcazman: interesting, I generally am
Dcazman: the only problem the change to god has given me
Dcazman: is with my relationships with a women
Dcazman: because I am no longer really a man
Dcazman: I am more gay then a man
Dcazman: but I do not want to date a man or fuck a man.
Female Friend: whatever!
Dcazman: that is the problem
Female Friend: peeing on trees doesn’t make you a man
Dcazman: most women want a guy to take charge
Dcazman: and be decisive
Dcazman: and watch sports
Dcazman: and not be truly thoughtful
Female Friend: no no no
Dcazman: or perceptive
Dcazman: they all say they want something else besides a pee treeing man
Dcazman: all of them do
Female Friend: I want someone who is perceptive, thoughtful, decisive (yes) and not afraid to lead...
Dcazman: but it’s not true
Female Friend: lol. Are you saying I’m deluding myself?
Dcazman: I am decisive I just like to be well advised before I decide
Dcazman: well I can not say that you are deluded, you have kids and some guy a few hundred miles away, but maybe you are the girl for me
Dcazman: See, I learned in High school , how to enter my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: the "ramble" are your inner most thoughts?
Dcazman: yes I think ramble = my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: I’m glad I can be a sounding board
Female Friend: makes me feel useful
Dcazman: I think I am almost out of steam if that is any good news
Female Friend: going to go to bed?
Dcazman: no just out of the ramble
Dcazman: it’s silent in my head now
Dcazman: pee break
Dcazman: Back, there is a very dark place far deep in me
Dcazman: that even I do not know how to get to
Dcazman: behind everything I can see
Female Friend: uh oh. Has the conversation turned serious again?
Dcazman: in the shadows of every shadow
Dcazman: and in there is my anger
Dcazman: and in there is this thing that can do things beyond normal. That is were the user that was me now lives.
Female Friend: so... question for ya...
Dcazman: ask away
Female Friend: what are you looking for?
Female Friend: wife?
Female Friend: gf?
Female Friend: long-term lover?
Dcazman:
Female Friend: kids?
Dcazman: ha!
Female Friend: someone who works a lot?
Dcazman: I am not sure I want to spawn because that choice takes two people.
Dcazman: anyway
Female Friend: someone who wants to have fun fun fun?
Dcazman: besides that I would love someone who I could date for life
Dcazman: does that mean we never sleep with anyone else
Dcazman: hummm yeah
Dcazman: do I want a wife....I guess mostly yes
Dcazman: I want a life partner more
Dcazman: someone who will be my friend, someone who will be attracted to me
Dcazman: someone who I can talk to and hang out with and have sex with
Dcazman: I want too much
Female Friend: what if you find Mrs. Right... but she wants babies and a wedding ring? Does that mean she's not Mrs. Right?
Female Friend: you don't want too much. That’s what everyone wants.
Dcazman: I am the prefect snow white and seven dwarfs
Female Friend: pardon me?
Dcazman: no I will 100% get married and have kids
Dcazman: or I will just get married and not have kids
Female Friend: what if she already has kids?
Dcazman: I think kids require communications between 2
Female Friend: narrows the field if you want someone with no kids
Female Friend: oh ya
Dcazman: nah kids do not bother me at all, I love kids
Dcazman: I figure the relationship process might be longer
Female Friend: it's hella tricky to date when you have kids.
Dcazman: but I have no problem going into something with someone who has kids
Dcazman: yes, the process is harder but kids should not help or hurt the process on the path
Dcazman: kids are important, and I was not ready then I should get out
Dcazman: I am ready for either or
Female Friend: they do though, because you have to divide your time between the new relationship and the kids...
Dcazman: yes that is correct
Dcazman: sorry
Female Friend: and then you have to worry about meeting the new gf's kids... when's the right time, how friendly do you get, how much time do you spend with them... tricky tricky
Dcazman: I meant it more as kids should not make me marry "you"
Female Friend: oh very true
Dcazman: I should decide that as an independent factor, would I love you kids or no kids
Dcazman: if you have kids that has to be part of the package
Dcazman: but it should not be the 100% factor
Female Friend: hey, I need to get these kids to bed...
Female Friend: can I catch you in 20?
Dcazman: sooner or later kids grow up and leave home
Dcazman: o sure, I should be here
Female Friend: okees. I’ll be back.
Dcazman: thanks.

Friends with Benefits

2007-04-03T12:21:00.000-04:00

I miss when I was younger and my female friends and I would randomly have sex when needed. I am not really sure what happened to that. I am also not certain to what happened to me randomly havening sex. I think I got sick of not having a relationship or "using" a women for sex. Honestly, in the end I would rather have a normal, productive, stable relationship but that does not seem to be happening. So, it would be nice to have a female friend around for those long nights . She would be my friend and we would hang out here and there do something thing but mainly focus on our intimacy needs.
I think these days it seems like a dream since I can not find someone to date or just to have sex with. Maybe I am not looking in the right places for either ? I have no idea but I am basically saying I miss kissing, holding, a naked female body next to me and all that from here to there. I wish I could find someone that was not complex were the situation was not hurting anyone but I think if I found that I would wonder why was I not dating the girl ?

Spray down

2007-03-30T11:06:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to get my car detail cleaned and while walking out of the place on a conference call. I decided to walk threw the large opening. Well there was a pressure sensitive line on the floor that I promptly stepped on. When I did I of course got sprayed with water down the left side of my body. Nice!
It dried off pretty quickly, but I thought I would share.

Have fun today,

DKC

Furniture

2007-03-19T21:05:00.000-04:00

I am thinking of spending about 3k give or take on all new furniture for my living room. I saved some cash but likely I will not go on the cruse this year if I buy it. I still need to save 3 plus months of pay and a deposit on a condo. I have no idea how people buy nice stuff, save to buy bigger stuff and have savings for hard times.
I think it is all crazy, makes me want to scream but I am going to do it. Savings or not, condo or not.

Whatever, live a little some times. I will try to post more soon.

Yeah I am here.

2007-02-06T09:11:00.000-05:00

I kind of dropped off the world lately. I have this project at work that is keeping me very busy. That and the WOW expansion and a few other events have given me very little time.

I am still single and not very hopeful that will change any time soon.

I have recently decied that I need a long term plan to lose about 40 pds of weight. I am going to do push ups, sit ups, pull ups and buy a bike trainer. Besides that I have to change my diet some but working out a little daily should start the right progress, while I buy some stuff and fix my diet.

I do not have much more to say now but I will try to update again soon with something more interesting.

Guess I am just strange

2007-01-08T23:52:00.000-05:00

I use to be able to have aimless sex but now I want to have a relationship and I have trouble. It was far easier for me to just have sex with a girl then to date her. When I changed myself away from having sex I changed myself so much I am not even sure how attractive I am to ladies anymore.
These are the reasons I am going to a therapist and probably why I am single.

I am an out of the box thinker or me creatively insane, just not in a dangerous way. However, I do know I have a deep anger and rage that comes out sometimes. It is something I have to work on with my therapist as well. If I ever have kids the anger or rage would not be suitable. I have been known to act fast in a fit of rage and that is not good especially for kids.
Though at 36 and not knowing a woman that I want to marry, I am starting to wonder if I will have kids anymore. I am not sure that is what the accumulation of my life is about. I would like to have an effect on history and society but maybe children are not the way that will happen. Sadly there are no more light bulbs to create.

That is all for now,
DKC

New Goals

2007-01-04T22:54:00.001-05:00

My new goals are the following

The following has the overall new two basic guidelines I am going to try and direct my life to.

1) Be as happy as I can be
2) Buy stuff

So with that in mind

Buy new furniture. I have to replace everything except my bed, living room TV, Living room TV stand and PC (needs some upgrading). $8 thousand or so for everthing here.
Join a gym for some bike riding.
Join a dojo to get back into the martial arts .
Get on a plane that will take me some place. Hopefully at least California and Florida.
Go sailing .
Go hiking regularly leading to a reasonable over night camping trip.
Go on a cruise.

That is enough for now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2007-01-01T12:32:00.000-05:00

May it bless us all with good health. For with health everything else can be had.

Mr. Nice Guy

2006-12-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

Yeah that is me. I am not always so nice and I have my problems, perversions, OCD behavior and jerky moods like everyone but over all I am Mr. Nice Guy. Sometimes it’s tiring especially when I am trying to date and sometimes Mr. Nice Guy fails all together. Being Mr. Nice Guy does not add up to much more then Nice, like for example I am not as interesting or exciting as I could dream a Mr. Nice Guy would be. In addition, I would think Mr. Nice Guy would have a very busy social life. Well no I do not because beside my WOW friends, IM friends, phone friends and few friends I hang out with in person I would be alone.

In reality I sum up to a guy that feels guilty and wants to treat everyone how I would like to be treated. I am not the most guidable guy, or romantic guy, I am just plan ole Mr. Nice Guy. We all have something and there it is. My something is being Mr. Nice Guy.

Can I say that anymore in this blog entry?
I sound pretty negative today and lacking confidence. I have started to feel like that over the past few hours culminating with this blog entry. I was just really dumb with money today and I am over skeptical about my New Years Eve plans. There you have it, if these are my worse problems then my life is damned good.

I love Sci Fi, Aimee, History channel, Discovery channel, Hi Def TV, My bird, family, friends, and good health. I would love to hike more and learn how to camp and enjoy it. Get into better shape without working to hard, have a girl friend, make enough money that buying a condo would not seem outrageous.

I plan on buying all new furniture, beating my fear to fly, saving a sizable amount of money, sailing, and going on a cruise to an island. I hope to do this all this next year.

I miss good friend Ed (Who died flipping his truck about 5 years ago), Asher (Who killed himself many years ago), my grand mothers (both living reasonably full lives and did not die in pain), my grand fathers (One died when I was very young, the other when I was 18), and in some ways I will always miss my step father (Who died a few years ago).

If I had a super power right now that were reasonable it would be to teleport anything anyplace or I would be a werewolf (But I would not want to kill people, full control over the transformation and it would not be painful.)

If I were rich I would travel the world and meet people, hang out and learn everything I could about the people I meet and their cultures. In the end my rich life would hopefully help me grown with the people that I meet and life would be enhanced for me and them.

That is all I have for now, confusing eh?
DKC

Happy Holidays

2006-12-24T16:47:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone enjoys there families, friends in health and happiness.

Happy Holidays.

Not Done Yet

2006-12-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

I went on a date with the crossing guard last night. I spent a reasonable amount at a hibachi place but the food was good, sadly the lady did not seem to enjoy it as much as me. To make things worse I was not dressed half as nicely as I should have been.
Before the date a lady I am chatting with on Yahoo tells me to make sure to make plenty of eye contact, touch the small of her back and try to touch her arms especially the upper part. This lady and I have been chatting for a bit and she reads my blog, so she is aware that I have been having a problem getting women past being friends and by doing as she said I would make the women I am out with more aware of my dating interest.
After dinner we drove around and talked a lot then went to a dance club on a boat. I hardly know how to dance but I figured why not go since I have been a homebody lately. So the crossing guard and I danced a little and went home around 1am.
I dropped her off and she refused a hug good night.... Nice! However, this time I know she is aware of my intentions due to the advice of my female Yahoo chat friend. The problem is that the Crossing guard is simply a prude and not very experienced with dating (even less then I am, seems the crossing guard is a real old school style lady).
If by some chance I am wrong and she is really just using me as a cash patsy do not worry because I already smell that angle but I will take things as they come and play the game a bit longer for now with the crossing guard.

As for the other lady my friend set me up with and meet once so far. Had an excellent conversation yesterday before my date with the crossing guard. I feel a bit more hopeful something may work out with her but we will see.

My evaluation is I am still doing something for new years with the crossing guard and I am still hopeful for the other lady my friends set me with. Overall nothing has changed though; I am debut free and home alone Saturday December 23. Though I could have gone out with friends tonight, I wanted to stay home because I am feeling introspective.

Besides that I had a dream that I wrote a huge blog entry and it was very interesting and some author read it and contacted me asking to publish some of my ramblings. That is not really what I want to happen but I think lately I have been worried about what my intentions are with writing so personally in a public space. I have also wondered if writing here has served any purpose. Was anyone reading? Did anyone care? Did I help anyone or make them smile? These questions have rumbled around my head and I guess inspired my dream. I then spoke to a friend that is a blogger and she basically said to forget all that and write for me.

DKC

Today

2006-12-15T14:45:00.000-05:00

Is Friday and my vacation is almost over. I went to Syracuse, then came home and hung out until today. I will be heading out to CT for an over night with my best friend.

On Wednesday that just past I went on a date, well more a first meeting. It went pretty well the lady is very pretty, so much so it was distracting. I did not feel horribly interesting and I am not sure how to not be a 'friend' and become a person she would date.
I hope I can figure it out, but I have been single for a while and have had problems getting and having romantic relationships.

I also feel strange trying to make dates with the other lady ie 'the crossing guard' but I figure I am still single and not kissing anyone. If I kiss either of these two women I will back off on the other.

However, it still feels weird being single so long then having two pretty women that want to date me.

Besides that my bird is still sadly plucking her feathers and she looks horrible :(. I will have to focus on this problem 100% next week.

Good news is I am now debut free for the New Year. I hope this New Year brings me a relationship, health and happiness.

Dating

2006-12-06T12:39:00.000-05:00

Dating is so strange to me and I am obviously not very good at dating since I have a long history of being single and having short relationships.

So here is my story.

My friends are setting me up with this one lady and she called me last night. We talked for a while but I have a cold and cut the conversation off early. Anyway, the conversation went fine I think and there are hopes for more. I hope I was interesting and inquisitive enough for our first chat...

Then randomly today the cute cross guard left a note on my car today for me to call her. I called her and she asked me out for a new years eve party with her friends and brother. I said yes but I am worried that since it would be our first date and she has said no to me in the past she could just be making me her cash patsy.
So, I am going to try and take her out at least once before the party.

So thats what is going on this week so far. Very exciting, very confusing and overall interesting to have two women appear out of the blue. I hope one of the two works out for me. That would be nice for a change.
Besides that I have vacation next week and I am going to see friends in Syracuse and then Connecticut.

Good luck to me and be well

Happy Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T21:03:00.000-05:00

It’s a good day for me. I enjoyed myself and my family today and I could only wish everyone was as fortunate.

DKC

Happy Birthday to me!

2006-11-20T14:33:00.000-05:00

Today is my 36th birthday! Normally around this time of year I try to do a complete review of who I am what I did this year and what I would like to do and improve on.

More on that some other day for now my only 2.5 birthday wishes are for
1) Continued good health
2) My bird to stop plucking her feathers
..
2.5) Be nice to meet the right lady for me to date.

Be Well

Nothing to say

2006-11-15T16:57:00.000-05:00

I do not have anything to say today that is horribly interesting. I was reading over my old posts and saw that my blog anniversary is coming up.

I enjoy the look of my blog a bit more but it still feels like its still missing some personal touches. Either way I should be posting more now that I enjoy the look of my blog again.

No big plans for tonight but I am off work tomorrow.

No News

2006-11-14T11:22:00.000-05:00

I am not that interesting I guess.

Nothing much is new with me really. To review basically, I gained some weight, lost some hair, still single with a bird that now plucks her feathers (Frown) and staring down my 36th birthday in the next few days.

I am considering buying a GPS for driving and a separate one for hiking.
Besides that I have a medium term length plan to buy a condo next year.
I am staring a new psychiatrist this week and I am trying to focus on finding new friends that want to 'do' instead of watch.

In the end, I am more lazy then I wish and I am rather tried of being single. I have determined that my single life is due to me 100% and perhaps the therapist can help?

On the upside. I am training for a hike this upcoming spring and I am almost 100% out of debut for the third time in my life.

Bye GrandMother

2006-11-11T16:03:00.000-05:00

My GrandMother past away this last week on Tuesday 11/07/06. She was a stubborn, loner but a good lady and I will miss her.

Bye :(

Quit Smoking

2006-02-14T09:28:00.000-05:00

It was two years ago today that I quit smoking. At the time I was single so thought it would be funny to quit on Valentines day so I could not forget the anniversary.

I had quit the nicotine gum for a while but my step father passed a year plus ago. I was going to smoke over all the stress so I decided to chew the gum again and have not quit the gum again YET.

I am still single and looking on match, working out as much as I can force myself to the gym and playing WOW like an addict.

Happy Valentines day

(Even if it is a holiday made by stores if someone is treated better because of this fabricated marketing day then that's good enough for me)

Fatal flaws

2006-02-10T09:15:00.000-05:00

I consider a fatal flaws many things but for this entry I am defining it as a personality trait that is not currently a standard I like for myself.

I have a few personality traits that I know of that are flawed in a serious manor.

Two of these traits I have recently been reminded of.

The first is I have a problem with confrontation unless I am angry. Anger is just a horrible way to deal with ANYTHING. Its disappointing to see myself have so much trouble with confrontational situations. Also, I truly despise this flaw in me, the flaw sickens me. I know if I would simply be a man the situation that needs confrontation would work out leagues better. Instead I let the situation build until anger rules me and then I act...gross and sad.

The second is a trait that I assume comes from a lacking in respect. For now I can only describe it with the following.

There are a 6 women I have meet in my life so far that I am aware this problem occurs with. When I am near any of these 6 women I do not act right.
Meaning that I act uncharacteristically which I assume is because I have a crush on these women for no real reason.
That in itself is disturbing but the problem compounds quickly because I have then classically ignored subtle rejection from these women. Furthermore, I continue to pine after them even after rejection is confirmed due to my lack of will power.

Lacking will power is another personality flaw that ties the two flaws above together.

However, these two flaws are a problem and they make me sad. I assume my conflict with these two flaws is most likely tied into a goal that my life is attempting to achieve. If so I have failed so far.

Either way I am little disheartened today and mostly due to the second flaw I mentioned above so I wanted to share.

Write at you again soon.

Hey Now

2006-02-08T15:41:00.000-05:00

I really hate the look of my blog and I need to change it. I was messing around with the templates and lost all my cool links and the formatting is making me sick. I have been to lazy to bother to figure out how to make it look and feel like I want it to.

Anyway, besides that happy new year!. I have a new job now that is GREAT, the commute is GREAT, the pay is GREAT I love it. I am single again and back on match. Playing WOW most of the time and working out at the gym.

I was reading over some comments and found it strange that I got an ad in one comment LOL

Well that's all I have to say for now except i am working slowly on my lazy nature. i mean how else does a lazy man work if not slow ? No really, I am trying to make changes and perhaps sooner then latter they will reflect here in my blog so over all Hey Now :)

Un-friending Sponsor

2005-09-07T15:26:00.000-04:00

The title is not really that good but for some reason I liked the way the words looked together. Really it should be two subjects Un-friending and need a sponsor.

What am I saying ?

Well I would love to find a sponsor or someone that would pay me to live life. This way I could quit my job and go out into the world and enjoy it before I get to old or something else. Of course I would write of my times and adventures so if your interested in being my sponsor leave a comment.

Un-friending
I have this friend who for some reason or other the two of us have stopped talking for no good reason. Considering I am male its most likely my fault as she sees it. She's probably correct (wink).

Anyway, I have decided to use my Scorpio born ability and be stubborn with calling her back, if I did call her the problem would be solved. Why I am doing this with this fight instead of all my others fights with other people in the past I am not sure. Actually, that's not really true, I have been practicing my Scorpio stubborn ability at work and casually in my social life. This is my first long term stubborn "reaction" in years and I am sure it would lead to un-friending if not for the simple fact that I am going to see this person in a couple of weeks. Not by choice mind you but a friend of mine from out of state is coming into town and we are going to visit this friend that I am not talking to.

So, I ask you when is it OK to un-friend? I guess its up to me to destroy my friendships and other things at will and why I doing these things now I am still trying to figure out. I assume, I am trying to cause myself pain and make myself feel bad as a replacement to how my step-father who has past away use to make me feel.
Sick I know but thats what makes me interesting . ah the twisted web of our minds.
Be well.

Reality changes its mind

2005-08-31T13:50:00.000-04:00

Ever look out the window 10 floors up to see someone outside floating in mid air ?

For a very brief second a thought or two flashes in your mind. Something like everything I know is a lie, why can't I fly ?

This is about when you look closer and spy the lift below the person just out of view.

Anyway, that's the kind of day today is. Besides that I am broke and very sad about it.

New Rig Comming soon

2005-08-26T18:09:00.000-04:00

Rosewill TU-153 Black Steel ATX Mid Tower Computer Case 400W Power Supply - Retail $52.99

gigaram 2GB (2 x 1GB) 184-Pin DDR SDRAM DDR 433 (PC 3500) Unbuffered DUAL CHANNEL System Memory Model GR1DD8T-K2GB/433/2.5 - Retail $245.50

ASUS MB P5WD2 Premium Socket T (LGA 775) Intel 955X ATX Intel Motherboard - Retail $209.00

intel Pentium Extreme Edition 840 Smithfield 800MHz FSB LGA 775 Dual Core, EM64T Processor Model BX80551PGH3200F - Retail $999.00

CREATIVE LABS SOUNDBLASTER AUDIGY2 ZS GAMER PCI Already own

NVIDIA GeForce FX 5700 256mg Already own

80 gb Western Digtal Hard Drive Already own

After tax and shipping $1,621.71

PS: Expect pictures in 2 weeks.

Shed a Tear

2005-08-25T16:24:00.000-04:00

After my step father died I cried for a brief moment on the last day of his viewing. The viewing is a strange thing some people do. Basically the dead persons body is placed in a room and then everyone that knew the person comes and says good bye to the dead body and the closest people alive to the dead person.

I have been dealing with my step fathers passing for a while and strangely out of the blue today at work I shed another tear for him.

Related news I am back on Match and happily staying busy playing video games with a good bunch of people. Upcoming is my best friends bachelor party and I am stressed about it. I hope everything goes well, with lots of fun and affordable.

See yah soon!

Help Wanted

2005-07-06T13:50:00.000-04:00

The position you will be applying for is my missing antagonist. The job will include putting me down, speaking ridiculously while being frustratingly correct and overall usage of irate personally.

Since my step father passed it seems I have been missing my antagonist. I feel like I have nothing to prove and no reason to achieve anything. I guess this means I will be going back to therapy ASAP.

I am back!

2005-06-17T19:41:00.000-04:00

My Blog has been MIA litteraly for a while. I would log in and it was not here to write in. After lots of emails to blogger support I am back!

I will have more to say latter on I just wanted to say hi again, I am back.

Syracuse

2005-01-20T18:11:00.000-05:00

Syracuse Well I am off to Syracuse this weekend weather permitting. The Girl I am seeing, my flying vulture formally know as Becky Bird my green checked conure and I. The 3 of us are going to drive to Syracuse to see my friend Tim who is home from the war in Iraq Tim-In-Iraqi-Update . This should be very cool considering I have not see Tim in 6 months? Also, this will be the first trip with the girl I am seeing.
We will see...I am feeling anxious about the weather so I might cancel. Besides that I am checking out a new therapist Friday AM and of course the chiropractor It will be a early long day tomorrow. I hope to write more before the weekend. If not be well and drop by Monday for the update.

DKC

Following Up

2005-01-18T15:50:00.000-05:00

I have had a few questions about pervious posts so here are the answers.

Broken Key
The dermatologist says I have Psoriasis

Chess
To the best of my knowledge I am not a sore loser. I am just quiet after losing... admittedly I do not like to lose. Who does?

Sloth
{One of the Seven Deadly Sins}
1) Looked like a skinny, long haired homeless man in my dream.
2) We were chatting about what I had done that day. A good friend of mine Becoming a Nurse said "Of course you felt happy and relaxed talking to Sloth...not many people really like to work.
3) We had Chicken... so if you have diner with Sloth its a good idea to eat chicken.

Change-Roll-Adope-La
When I reduced my 401K deduction out of my pay my financial situation improved. I still need to budget.

Hell Week
I am still seeing the girl I posted about and things are going well.

My car is still not repaired from when I got hit but I suspect that will happen in due time or when the insurance company approves the repair.

--------------------------------------------------
I am working on a better way to interact with me on this Blog but I have not see any method I like yet.

DKC

Amusement

2005-01-13T17:44:00.000-05:00

Amusement can be defined as "entertainment: a diversion that holds the attention". I agree with this definition.

For most of my life after 14 years old my life has centered on how I can amuse myself, while not hurting anyone and if you have a good time while I am amusing myself everyone wins. That is basically 20 years of amusement and I have had a blast. I have tried to not be selfish or cocky but these things happen to everyone. I have occasionally acted recklessly, even heedless of other people, and some small times brilliantly {my own assessment}. I have learned a lot of things about amusing myself and its effects on people. In fact, almost everyone in my life alive or past has played a part in my amusement. Over the years, I have grown so that I can amuse myself without others being harmed mentally or physically and I think this is an achievement. If you think about it most anything can be considered amusement and at one time everything was amusement for me.

I feel very selfish while writing this but it is the truth and I do not think I am a bad person for it.

The point of this post is what befuddles my mind while I am busy amusing myself is how strangely people react. In my mind I would think of watching this guy {ME} amuse myself as a show or even a play? Some people can do this and a very small few people can play along. It’s the reactions of shock, confession and etc that boggle my mind. {Mind you I am pretty good at keeping the amusement effect to myself *my own assessment*}. These reactions are what helped me create my number 1 original quote on the side bar to the right "1. Do not scorn me because the most creative thing you have done today was set your alarm clock yesterday.”
Anyway, part of me understands why people react poorly but largely I have wonderment about what are these people doing over there or does anything make them smile? I go even further and think if they are not smiling why not does something else that will make them smile? ... It’s hard even strange for me to think that we have one life and not trying to enjoy it.
Recently, I have been slightly reclusive and depressed which is sadly affecting those closest to me. This has to do with my step father passing, money and a few other fun psychological issues... {All part of the cycle a person must have a down to have an up}...
However, while in this state I am still trying to amuse myself...

Wrap it up Cazman {Long post today}
What I am trying to say is there are plenty of things that life is about but while doing most of them I think you should have a good time or why do it? Does my amusement really hurt you? Must you suck my energy go read The Celestine Prophecy and find your own energy to ruin or go wilt a bush ... something other then that glare or reaction that really just frustrates me and brings some people that are enjoying life down. Go to someone else's show ....my show no longer takes that close minded crap.

Man what a rant today...whew glad I got that one out.

Be Well,
DKC

Thanks for Nothing

2005-01-12T11:55:00.000-05:00

Ever notice how people do not really say thanks for anything anymore. I go out of my way to thank people for ridiculous reasons. Its my own personal and private joke and I do find it funny.

So, thanks to all the people out there like DP for naming me Mankind years ago and being a great friend...I miss my friend DP. Also, thanks to all the wonderful people I worked with at PWC.

Thanks to GS for no real reason maybe just cause you spell your first name with two GG's and gave me a lot of feedback about my Sloth post.

Thanks to my chat friends and the two girls I forgot to mention in my post Women in my past, present, future and The Thong Both girls are in my past, one of them told me hey I am still your friend and I said o yeah we still aim chat the other just loves the rain (private joke) but we chat here and there as she pointed out as well.

Finally, thanks to everyone I forget to thank. If you know me you know I can hardly remember to spell my first name let alone thank you.
That's just it, be a little less rude today and
Thanks
Even if it is for nothing someone should thank you and you should thank someone.
DKC

Broken Key

2005-01-10T17:28:00.000-05:00

I broke my key in the door to my apartment building last night. I just find that interesting, the key just ripped in my hand. Does not seem right a metal key in average shape no damage. I put it in the lock turned and it ripped like a hot knife cutting butter. There was no me yelling HULK SMASH key...not likely...but that might have been funny to yell out. I just find events like this weird. Like how did I rip a metal key and not mean to. Mind you had I tried I would still be there.

I have not blogged in a few days because I am trying to find my determination. I am not sure if playing DOTA in Warcraft 3 is helping me but I have traveled down this road before and its a matter of time before I find that something that makes me GO.

Things are going well with that girl I mentioned in Hell Week. Its strange to like someone and have them like you in return. Some part of me wants to ask what is the matter with her or me {smile}. I am taking it slow with this girl, enjoying her company.

Not everything is strange to me these topics are thats why I write them I find them interesting or unique.

A best friend of mine named Tim that was in Iraq serving our country is home safe. I blogged about him Tim-In-Iraqi-Update & Iraqi.

Thank God!

Going to the dermatologist tomorrow. I am sick of my finger tips cracking.

That's all I have to say for now because I am mentally tired.

DKC

Chess

2005-01-05T18:36:00.000-05:00

I have played chess for years was even part of the USFC nationally rated 1300. One day many years ago I am playing these guys who were a bunch of pawn pushers for the USFC. A pawn pusher means they would win via pawn position and having one or two extra pawns. This style of playing always drained me and made me feel like I was playing against a book.
Anyway, while playing the last guy he falls down and has a heart attack, dies shortly after never seeing another thing but my silly chess game. This bothered me for many years and made me not want to play.

Recently, I have played a few games some even at work but my coworkers think I get mad at losing. I guess this is kind of true, I am use to playing a game win or loss and playing another. I am not a fan of speed chess or anything like that and above all I get very focused and serious when I play even when I lose. VERY unlike me for those that know me.

Today I lost a chess game and I went right back to work while my coworkers said I was mad. Meanwhile I was not mad that I know just focused on the after thoughts of the game and mistakes I made and that I needed to start working again.

Anyway, this teasing drove me to decide to not play again at work perhaps that makes me a baby but really I do not need to be told I am angry even if I am cause most people know being told your angry just makes it worse.

Be well, Live Strong.
DKC

Sloth

2005-01-04T14:17:00.000-05:00

I had a strange dream last night. I was having dinner and Sloth one of the seven deadly sins was eating with me. We were having a pleasant conversation about nothing I can remember except I felt strangely happy and good. Sloth asks me if having dinner with it makes me any worse of a person or does having dinner make Sloth any better of a sin. I replied that I doubt a simple dinner could change anything at all especially the very nature of Sloth. Sloth said then maybe the dinner changed me.

I woke up shortly after very confessed. I also figured that if I had dinner with Sloth that I would indeed change as a person even though its just simple dinner. Overall what scares me is did I have the dream cause I am being Sloth like in my life.

Besides the dream I will be writing about my past new years resolutions and this years new resolutions.

Seven Deadly Sins

DKC

Happy New Year!

2004-12-31T13:38:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year is all I have time to say for now.

Be Well!

DKC

Catalyst or Changer

2004-12-30T16:01:00.000-05:00

I define catalyst as the tool used in a change and I define changer as the total event using the tools.

In my life it seems that’s I am often a catalyst to change but never the changer. For a long time I had a problem with being used by some power to facilitate a change. Recently someone told me that I need to surrender to my catalyst like attributes therefore becoming more effective at it. I have thought a long time on this advice and I just remember a book serious I have been reading Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time. In this book serious Mr. Jordan brings up a similar theory were women had to surrender to something and men have to fight it in order for the best results. Overall, I partly agree with Mr. Jordan and the person that told me to surrender. I know that by surrendering to “the forces of life” that make me a catalyst everything will flow easier and have more impact. I also know that I can not just allow myself to be “used” all of the time. I yearn to be the change creator or I try to help direct the change thinking this change would not be occurring if I was not here. This thinking is what makes me male and human and is mostly wrong but a small undetermined part is right. Maybe some day in the future I can figure out how I can be at harmony with the change and take an active part while being a catalyst. For now my silly thoughts muddle things and create problems for the change that I am part of.
That same person told me that I need to focus on what and why I am in the situation rather then what the situation is and how the person is going to be altered. This makes insane amount of sense and I can not think of how I can go wrong approaching the situations as open minded as I can. However, I find it hard to just let something happen or enjoy being part of the phenomenon. I also have not always realized that I am learning or what is going on with me while the circumstances are occuring.

DKC

Tim in Iraqi Update

2004-12-29T18:28:00.000-05:00

A good friend of mine and a freind of Tim that I just posted about wrote the following

"
I just got word from Tim's Mom. Tim is in the air and on his way home now.
So he'll be in the States for the New year. Yippie!!!!

Barry"

So, it seems that Tim will be safe in the USA shortly!!!

DKC

Iraqi

2004-12-29T11:03:00.000-05:00

One of my best friends in Iraqi with the army wrote the following
"
Hay all,

Well.....finally I'm am inbound. Actual date is not known but soon.
I'm in Kuwait now and should be feet-dry in the good old USA in the
next 2 weeks. I'll try to get in touch once I get there but I expect
that I'll not have e-mail or anything like that. You'll get the
word...it just might take some time. Love to all

Tim"

I can not wait till he is home safe!!! {SMILE}

DKC

Mistakes

2004-12-28T22:54:00.000-05:00

I make plenty of mistakes. In fact, I could say I have made so many mistakes that I am a master at making mistakes. I am not being negative, pessimistic or lacking confidence. I am just stating an obvious observation with comparing my life and the choices I make or the situations I get into either voluntary or not versus other people.

I have more to say on this subject and may write about this topic some other day but I am tried and its been a long day.

DKC

Tsunamis

2004-12-27T17:40:00.000-05:00

Prey for the families of the lost or deceased do to this terrible Tsunamis in East Asia.

Tsunamis

DKC

A_mal_gama

2004-12-27T15:12:00.000-05:00

This Blog A_mal_gama has a description that I loved "even if the VOICES aren't real they have some good ideas".

That just makes a lot of strange sense to me. She goes on to say a bunch of other things in spanish that I had to go to great lenghts to get her blog translated. Basically she has some deep thoughts for such a young looking lady. I wish her well.

DKC

Blog Time

2004-12-27T13:46:00.000-05:00

I do not know how long I am going to keep up with posting every day. I also do not know what time of the day or night I will post.

For example "The Anxious Bench" (all Links on the right) posts when she has something to say and usually I find her posts most fascinating. The "Nurse 2 Be" posts almost every day like I do but she seems to say things that seem more interesting then my ramble (Smile). The "Ladienyte's Ramblings" seems similar to my posts but I personally love to read her writing because I feel more connected to her, her family and our mutual friends that live near her but about 4 hours away from me. Finally, "The Best Page in the Universe" does not seem to post anymore and I have no clue who he is but he has written some funny stuff. All in all, I am saying I am not sure that I will have any schedule or style in most of my posting. My point for posting is that I hope someone may find what I have to say as funny or helpful.

Be Well!
DKC

The Gym

2004-12-26T13:10:00.000-05:00

You would think I would find or make that need or determination which brings a person in to the gym. In fact I had "it" 2 years ago and for about 2 weeks a few days ago. I know I should go to the gym, I know its costing me a lot a month, I even know that by not going today I am failing a test of the day. (You know the test from the movie young guns; similar movie would be city slickers). Either way I hope I find that certain something today because I need to-do the Body for Life plan . (Link on the right side)
I guess I just lost the right stuff for today. If I can manage to wake up around 6am tomorrow I will wake my gym partner and successfully get to the gym and start up the Body for Life plan.

DKC

Merry Christmas

2004-12-25T11:51:00.000-05:00

Like the title says Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.

DKC

Change-a-roll-adope-la

2004-12-24T13:34:00.000-05:00

First off you may remember three posts ago or my first post ever called "Hell Week" I posted about an 8-10 page paper I had to write the same week my step-father past. Well I got
Final Paper 12/24/04 1:11 AM B+

The Final Grade for that class was :
Final Course Grade 12/24/04 2:23 AM A-

My other class I got :
Date: Fri, 24 Dec 2004 13:21:04 -0500>> You received a B+ on the exam and a B+ for the course.

So WOOT!!!

On to today’s topic which I am sure is confusing:
Basically Change-a-roll-adope-la is my way of saying I am completely broke! It got so bad I had to roll some change and trade the change rolls in for cash. The bank just took my rolls and gave me cash no double counting or weighing which I though was strange and a small part of me said I got to try this with some "shaving" or batteries. I will not do that but really. However, I did not think the bank would be so trusting when handed $120.00 in change rolls. A tiny part of me wanted to yell at the lady and advise her everyone makes mistakes so she should double check me. At the time I just stared at her trying to Jedi mind trick why she could care less and took my cash and went on my way. On the bright side, I have a side job on Christmas Eve tonight. This basically means that I will take the money I make and pay another bill but that's not so bad considering its one more bill paid.

No worries or fear I will make it past this. I have had it much worse then this; in fact this is easy... I really only had to lower my 401K deduction so, when I get my next pay check I should get more take home. In January 05 there are 3 pay periods for me so that will help a ton. Finally and overall I am happy I have my health, a apartment, good friends, Becky Bird, and food.

Happy Holidays I will try to post tomorrow but no guarantees on the weekends especially this weekend and next.

DKC

Women in my past, present, future and The Thong

2004-12-23T13:10:00.000-05:00

The title says it all.
Women in my life past, present, future and the always incredible even mighty but sometimes inappropriate Thong.

I must take a moment and look at the women in my past, present, and future. These ladies I am happy to say each was, is or will be unique yet each share(d) some similar qualities. For dating me has not been a easy task; one thing I have said historically is that I was a much better friend then someone to date. This has been true but I have gone to great lengths to correct this fault.

Note: I term dating as an event that occurs with two people that involves feelings of a romantic type. This is why I think you can date someone for as little as one day. Other then say a booty call, a no strings attached arrangement or a random situation were there are little or no feelings involved

Past:
I have been very fortunate to have crossed paths with a few special women some of which I have "dated" for as little as one day and one for as long as two years. Sadly, I am only really friendly with 2 of these women that I dated in the past. One of theses two women is dating someone happily off in the land of mountain's far away from NJ. The other lives quite close to me and funny enough I just recently offend her with an apathy that perhaps I should have rethought before voicing.

Present:
I am currently on Match, single and looking. Besides that I have been on one date with a girl and we are scheduled for more

Future:
There are women from time to time that I can visualize or fantasize about dating but these women may never come to attrition; especially if someone in the present works out.
==================
The Thong
The Thong needs a national day were people of the nation would thank the women that should and are wearing a Thong. The day would be called Thong Day of course.
I am skipping ahead a little so let me back up and say that a Thong is a wondrous piece of material that when worn by a women that should wear it will allow this women to look spectacular for those people that get the privilege to see the Thong on the appropriate women. Ahhh yes The Thong is very similar to Cinderella's Magic Glass Slipper or even Thor's Magic Thunder Hammer when worn by a women that deserves to wear The Thong.

It must be said that while The Thong is a powerful item that allows for greatness on the right women. Be WARNED that when The Thong is worn by a woman that does not have the privilege to wear The Thong then the price is great and Woe ought to be through-out all the lands. The Wretchedness of the poorly worn Thong is so grand that the sun itself should be clouded or better yet darkness should fall across all the lands.

DKC

"Beggar" a original writing

2004-12-22T11:39:00.000-05:00

I wrote the following when I was a lot younger but I like it.

At some point in time everyone, including you will find something that can bring you to enlightenment.
Let me tell you how it could happen to you. One day you could walk up to a poor sleeping beggar on a lonely street and say to the beggar "how can you let yourself live like this?" The poor beggar will awaken and look up at you and say "You poor soul you have sight but can not see, you have ears but can not hear, and you have a mouth but cannot eat!" Even though this is not the answer you desire his words overwhelm you and your curiosity asks 'what does this mean?' The beggar smiles and says "you have been given an apple and except it as an apple. You have never tried to make the apple something else. This is because that you were told that an apple was an apple and so you hear, see, and taste just an apple; When you could have tasted a meal that could satisfy any hungry person. In my life when I am given an apple I see it for what it could be and not for what people usually see. Where you have always been afraid to see anything but an apple, I have seen beyond. So, this is the reason why I am the way, I am and you are the way you are."
With that answer the beggar will fall back to sleep and in the dark you will continue on your way. Sadly you will most likely not see the light even though the beggar had turned it on.

DKC

Hell Week

2004-12-21T13:59:00.000-05:00

As you can guess from my title I recently had a week of life that was complete Hell!

During the week of Sunday December 12th to Saturday December 18th, I had so many things go wrong it was just a cruel joke of life that I am sure is a Karma payback of some kind.

Anyway,

To start the week off I was sick with a cold that lasted the entire week plus some.
My Step-Father the most dominant male figure in my life having been in my life since I was 3 years old past away on Monday December 13th to cancer.
I had a 12 page multiple choice final due Friday December 17th. For those thinking I could have done the final earlier it was assigned Monday December 13th.
I had an 8 to 10 pager paper due on Saturday December 18th. Also assigned on Monday December 13th.
Finally, my Honda Civic 2001 EX Forest Green which I will not be done paying for until December 2005 got hit on the right side. Leaving me with a to-do of insurance and repair nightmare that is hanging over my head to date and will last for some time to come.

However, please note the weak ended with me having a date with a girl that I actually liked and yes kissed. I rarely kiss girls unless I find the girl attractive. I hope to be going out with her again. In addition, the girl was a good kisser to boot.

That was my hell week that ended with a cloud that had a silver lining aka me kissing a girl I liked and this is my First Blog post ever. I will write more soon and please free to comment.

DKC