Friday, October 22, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Sprint Triathlon and something
I have recently started training for a Sprint Triathlon on October 3rd, I stared before Becky bird passed (I still miss her a lot).
The idea to do the Sprint Triathlon started one day when I looked in the mirror and was sick of looking at my fat self staring back at me. I went on Weight Watchers and lost like 40 Pd but was still looking saggy and fat. I asked a friend what he would do and he said I needed a fitness goal and on that day I choose my fitness goal to a Sprint Triathlon.
Fast forward to today and I am now 60 Pd lighter and in decent shape. I still have some sag and a touch more too tight or loss here and there.
History recap, about a year ago some events happened while I was dating I was lead me to gain confidence in myself. At the time I really had no idea what my limits were anymore and I am still not sure.
Fast forward back to today and yet again my personality is changing due my efforts to train for this pending Sprint Triathlon.
Thankfully, my focus has been on the Sprint Triathlon which has helped distract me from being single or missing Becky bird.
What I find interesting and scary in a deep corner of my soul is that for over a year now I have become more and more unfamiliar with portions of who I am.
This concerns me in some ways but in others ways I figure I will find out when I get there.
So that is what is going on recently.
DKC
PS: There is a girl that I meet recently and for some reason my soul thinks I will date her. The situation is not the best and I really do not have any logic for the feeling. But I seem to blindly trust this odd feeling, so we will see how that works out.
The idea to do the Sprint Triathlon started one day when I looked in the mirror and was sick of looking at my fat self staring back at me. I went on Weight Watchers and lost like 40 Pd but was still looking saggy and fat. I asked a friend what he would do and he said I needed a fitness goal and on that day I choose my fitness goal to a Sprint Triathlon.
Fast forward to today and I am now 60 Pd lighter and in decent shape. I still have some sag and a touch more too tight or loss here and there.
History recap, about a year ago some events happened while I was dating I was lead me to gain confidence in myself. At the time I really had no idea what my limits were anymore and I am still not sure.
Fast forward back to today and yet again my personality is changing due my efforts to train for this pending Sprint Triathlon.
Thankfully, my focus has been on the Sprint Triathlon which has helped distract me from being single or missing Becky bird.
What I find interesting and scary in a deep corner of my soul is that for over a year now I have become more and more unfamiliar with portions of who I am.
This concerns me in some ways but in others ways I figure I will find out when I get there.
So that is what is going on recently.
DKC
PS: There is a girl that I meet recently and for some reason my soul thinks I will date her. The situation is not the best and I really do not have any logic for the feeling. But I seem to blindly trust this odd feeling, so we will see how that works out.
Friday, July 02, 2010
Becky Bird 08/14/01 - 06/18/10
Becky Bird my dear pet past away 06/18/10. I was away on vacation in Syracuse at the time Becky was with friends. She past suddenly from what my friends told me, I am not sure if she missed me, got scared or was ill.
A little more about Becka Lynn Bird Cazman (Becky), she was given to me as a gift from my father when I went to FL for a visit. My grandmother was still living at the time. When I first got her I sat with her and stared at her for a day to try and figure out a name that would suit her.
I like names similar to Susan because the name can also be Sue. That was my first way I got to Becka Lynn. After that I decided that I like names with the letter B and finally I wanted something less common, this is how I got Becka Lynn Bird Cazman or Becky Bird Cazman for short.
Shortly after deciding Becky’s named, I decided I need to make her a promise. My promise was that I would always do my best to love her, protect her and to give her the best life I could manage.
When I returned to NJ, Becky bird came to NJ with me on the train. This was the beginning of my life for a little longer than 9 years begin with Becky bird.
Becky was a sweet, friendly bird; very loving in fact she loved most guys. For whatever reason Becky decided I was her favorite and only toy. Becky also treated me like I was her husband, son and brother she was always very protective of me especially when I would take a nap with her near me.
When Becky first got home to NJ I refused to respond to her various noises and after some time Becky stopped making a lot of noise. This is how I came to affectionately told people that Becky thought I was deaf.
I called Becky many things over the years. My Flying crap machine, my flying crapping vulture, my love, my Dear and other things that I cannot think of at this time.
For now this is my eulogy, I will continue more later on, this blog for a while may just be my memories and open letter to my pet past so excuse me for being away so long and for focusing on one topic over my next few entries and days.
DKC
A little more about Becka Lynn Bird Cazman (Becky), she was given to me as a gift from my father when I went to FL for a visit. My grandmother was still living at the time. When I first got her I sat with her and stared at her for a day to try and figure out a name that would suit her.
I like names similar to Susan because the name can also be Sue. That was my first way I got to Becka Lynn. After that I decided that I like names with the letter B and finally I wanted something less common, this is how I got Becka Lynn Bird Cazman or Becky Bird Cazman for short.
Shortly after deciding Becky’s named, I decided I need to make her a promise. My promise was that I would always do my best to love her, protect her and to give her the best life I could manage.
When I returned to NJ, Becky bird came to NJ with me on the train. This was the beginning of my life for a little longer than 9 years begin with Becky bird.
Becky was a sweet, friendly bird; very loving in fact she loved most guys. For whatever reason Becky decided I was her favorite and only toy. Becky also treated me like I was her husband, son and brother she was always very protective of me especially when I would take a nap with her near me.
When Becky first got home to NJ I refused to respond to her various noises and after some time Becky stopped making a lot of noise. This is how I came to affectionately told people that Becky thought I was deaf.
I called Becky many things over the years. My Flying crap machine, my flying crapping vulture, my love, my Dear and other things that I cannot think of at this time.
For now this is my eulogy, I will continue more later on, this blog for a while may just be my memories and open letter to my pet past so excuse me for being away so long and for focusing on one topic over my next few entries and days.
DKC
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
New Car
I had to cancel my vacation due to my 01 civic trasmission going bad. I then bought a new 09 civic. all that and i am in new apartment now 19 days.
Thats all for today.
Thats all for today.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Colonoscopy
I had a colonoscopy a couple of weeks ago. The Sunday before the colonoscopy was a fast day which went a lot easier than I expected. This Sunday was the first day I can recall were I went without food for so long. Going without food was not as hard as I had read but perhaps that is because of the cleanse that I started at 3pm that Sunday?
Anyway, I did the cleanse and while that was not fun. I have been through worse in life.
Monday came, I went to the clinic with my brother, filled out the forums the entire time being terrified. I got into the gown, went into the room and they put the stint into my hand. I waited in true terror for the solution that would put me out. When they put that solution into my body I did not think I was going to go out. 30 seconds or less later I was out.
40 minutes later I was awoken feeling great, like I just came from a normal sleep. No pain no problem.
I am not going to say my fear was for nothing but the colonoscopy went very well.
No cancer was the result!
DKC
Anyway, I did the cleanse and while that was not fun. I have been through worse in life.
Monday came, I went to the clinic with my brother, filled out the forums the entire time being terrified. I got into the gown, went into the room and they put the stint into my hand. I waited in true terror for the solution that would put me out. When they put that solution into my body I did not think I was going to go out. 30 seconds or less later I was out.
40 minutes later I was awoken feeling great, like I just came from a normal sleep. No pain no problem.
I am not going to say my fear was for nothing but the colonoscopy went very well.
No cancer was the result!
DKC
Monday, June 29, 2009
I am back
Single again :(
Things did not work out with the girl and her two kids. We rented a house moved into and now I live in that house alone less than a year later. The house is a 3 bedroom house and I am here until at least the end of the month of July.
The girl decided to move out of the house early due to our relationship troubles. In the end the problems were mutual and I am sad it is over but I have to focus on other things now.
Like what is next? Do I rent another 1 bedroom apartment like where I came from or do I decide to buy?
Additionally, I have a colonoscopy scheduled for next week due to problems in that area. So I am pretty unhappy about the prep work, procedure and all. This truly will be the first time I have been put out. My hernia operation did not require me to be put out.
Anyway, I am uncomfortable and scared with the pending colonoscopy. I am confused to the right answers of purchasing or renting and that is what is going on these days.
DKC
Things did not work out with the girl and her two kids. We rented a house moved into and now I live in that house alone less than a year later. The house is a 3 bedroom house and I am here until at least the end of the month of July.
The girl decided to move out of the house early due to our relationship troubles. In the end the problems were mutual and I am sad it is over but I have to focus on other things now.
Like what is next? Do I rent another 1 bedroom apartment like where I came from or do I decide to buy?
Additionally, I have a colonoscopy scheduled for next week due to problems in that area. So I am pretty unhappy about the prep work, procedure and all. This truly will be the first time I have been put out. My hernia operation did not require me to be put out.
Anyway, I am uncomfortable and scared with the pending colonoscopy. I am confused to the right answers of purchasing or renting and that is what is going on these days.
DKC
Monday, June 23, 2008
News update
Hello there readers,
The following is news update of my life.
Currently I am dating a girl with 2 kids for about 5.5 months, she has 2 kids and things are going very well.
We are thinking of buying a house together or at the least renting together. I know to most readers that it seems like a fast movement in a short amount of time. I have historically said similar fast movements are a mistake.
Well I can not tell anyone what the future holds but what I can say is this girl and I are reasonable people and the market is very ripe for a purchase. We will make a legal arrangement for the worse case situation and proceed with caution.
I am feeling very positive about all the goings on even though they are fast. So that is a lot from a guy that has been single most of his life. A few posts ago I thought I would never find a girl.
Besides that I am working, love my job but at training last week a IT manager from Nasa in the same class as me asked me for my resume. So even thought I was not looking, who am I to say no to Nasa?
My weight is not excellent, I am above average BMI would mark me as obese :( 235 and 5'11 tall.
My hair is still thinning at a slow rate.
I am biking and hiking and will probably be going camping soon.
That is all I can think of right now on this update.
Be Well :)
The following is news update of my life.
Currently I am dating a girl with 2 kids for about 5.5 months, she has 2 kids and things are going very well.
We are thinking of buying a house together or at the least renting together. I know to most readers that it seems like a fast movement in a short amount of time. I have historically said similar fast movements are a mistake.
Well I can not tell anyone what the future holds but what I can say is this girl and I are reasonable people and the market is very ripe for a purchase. We will make a legal arrangement for the worse case situation and proceed with caution.
I am feeling very positive about all the goings on even though they are fast. So that is a lot from a guy that has been single most of his life. A few posts ago I thought I would never find a girl.
Besides that I am working, love my job but at training last week a IT manager from Nasa in the same class as me asked me for my resume. So even thought I was not looking, who am I to say no to Nasa?
My weight is not excellent, I am above average BMI would mark me as obese :( 235 and 5'11 tall.
My hair is still thinning at a slow rate.
I am biking and hiking and will probably be going camping soon.
That is all I can think of right now on this update.
Be Well :)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Beep Beep
I have a new reader, from what I am told by this lady I am seeing. Thats right you read it here first the Cazman is actually seeing a someone and its a living female.
Anyway, besides that rant she said some nice things about the blog and my insanity written herein.
Its a new year, with new goals, and thoughts.
This year I am looking to loss 40 pounds of fat,
Get on a plane and fly some place ...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :(
Possibly buy a condo,
Possibly look for a new job,
Continue enjoying every day I get to live,
If I am lucky, I will keep this lady around long enough that I can change the single and looking thing off to the side. Who knows what adventures await?
Be well out there.
DKC
Anyway, besides that rant she said some nice things about the blog and my insanity written herein.
Its a new year, with new goals, and thoughts.
This year I am looking to loss 40 pounds of fat,
Get on a plane and fly some place ...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :(
Possibly buy a condo,
Possibly look for a new job,
Continue enjoying every day I get to live,
If I am lucky, I will keep this lady around long enough that I can change the single and looking thing off to the side. Who knows what adventures await?
Be well out there.
DKC
Thursday, December 20, 2007
If I told you the whole story
If I told you the whole story, all the detail, every risk. Would the outcome be fair despite the results?
Are we all alone in a crowded room?
Must life really be about lying?
Maybe evolution has further to go with people so we can live without fear of the truth and each other.
I recently made a statement to someone, I said I try never to lie and she said "don't be silly everyone lies". I am no longer sure that is not true, even though I make the best effort to not lie.
I need to live life better in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally. I hope I live long enough to figure out how and maybe even explain that here.
Happy Holidays.
DKC :)
Are we all alone in a crowded room?
Must life really be about lying?
Maybe evolution has further to go with people so we can live without fear of the truth and each other.
I recently made a statement to someone, I said I try never to lie and she said "don't be silly everyone lies". I am no longer sure that is not true, even though I make the best effort to not lie.
I need to live life better in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally. I hope I live long enough to figure out how and maybe even explain that here.
Happy Holidays.
DKC :)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Check in
A friend surprised me the other day by saying "I was reading your blog yesterday and wanted to ask...", I forget what he asked but I found it chilling that people I know actually read my blog. Then I thought that was funny, I have always suspected no one was reading or anonymous strangers were reading. Heck I make my own comments to things I write .
Either way, things are going well.
I am seeing a girl,(nothing serious yet)
I have all new furniture,
I am going on weight watchers,
I am a little less then 5k in debut,
I have more single friends, and things to do.
I have new goals which include
getting back out of debut,
saving to buy real estate,
losing weight without going to a gym,
I can not think of more of my new goals now.
I also learned that even if something is true it does not need to be said. ie do not speak negatively even if it is true. Also, put my pants on before my shoes. Something else that is escaping me for now. I will maybe come back and update this entry more later.
Be well
Either way, things are going well.
I am seeing a girl,(nothing serious yet)
I have all new furniture,
I am going on weight watchers,
I am a little less then 5k in debut,
I have more single friends, and things to do.
I have new goals which include
getting back out of debut,
saving to buy real estate,
losing weight without going to a gym,
I can not think of more of my new goals now.
I also learned that even if something is true it does not need to be said. ie do not speak negatively even if it is true. Also, put my pants on before my shoes. Something else that is escaping me for now. I will maybe come back and update this entry more later.
Be well
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Worse Case Scenario
I love claiming every situation at its worse case scenario. Thinking about a situation becoming the worse case scenario is just so exciting and addictive I can just eat it up like candy yum yum yum...
I am far too paranoid, impulsive and dramatic and I am sure that makes me a sucker. The amount of effort it takes to stop these railroading thoughts is pretty intensive and some times almost impossible. I know this makes me a little obsessive and I do not deny it but identification is the first step. I just need to focus more because the more I write about this problem the more I understand it really is a problem.
I have noticed small Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behavior in myself which I am sure feeds into everything I just said. However, this doomsayer situation I have is not productive for anyone including me. It only adds to other peoples panic. This is a problem I am going to have to work on. This is my first step, writing about it hopefully new steps will come
DKC
I am far too paranoid, impulsive and dramatic and I am sure that makes me a sucker. The amount of effort it takes to stop these railroading thoughts is pretty intensive and some times almost impossible. I know this makes me a little obsessive and I do not deny it but identification is the first step. I just need to focus more because the more I write about this problem the more I understand it really is a problem.
I have noticed small Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behavior in myself which I am sure feeds into everything I just said. However, this doomsayer situation I have is not productive for anyone including me. It only adds to other peoples panic. This is a problem I am going to have to work on. This is my first step, writing about it hopefully new steps will come
DKC
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Change in the air
I am back, sorry for the wait. I never really found a purpose from my last post and thanks for the comments.
I got all my furniture now and about 6k in debut.
I had a old college buddy contact me out of the blue last night. We are going to meet up one night soon. Right after that I had this strange feeling that my life is about to change. It is a very strong feeling like the sound of a buzzing bee in my ear. Anyway that is all I have to say about it for now. My 6th sense is tingling and I am not sure if what to come is bad or good but I think my life has some big changes to come.
We will see :)
DKC
I got all my furniture now and about 6k in debut.
I had a old college buddy contact me out of the blue last night. We are going to meet up one night soon. Right after that I had this strange feeling that my life is about to change. It is a very strong feeling like the sound of a buzzing bee in my ear. Anyway that is all I have to say about it for now. My 6th sense is tingling and I am not sure if what to come is bad or good but I think my life has some big changes to come.
We will see :)
DKC
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Purpose
Lately I have been trying to figure out what my purpose is or what the point is of my life.
It does not seem like I am going to meet the right lady for me any time soon so if the purpose of my life is to get married or have children then I am not sure I am going to accomplish that. Maybe one of these Eharmony ladies will work out? But really is that point of life?
One of my best friends once told me that people’s purpose in life was to consume and produce. Well I certainly consume, and I produce computer repair so I am doing that. My recent goals have been to buy nice stuff and in the end a house / condo.
That does not seem very satisfying to me but getting new stuff is always good. Maybe I should try to volunteer again? I have always lived life trying to be the best person I can be but is that really my purpose combined with consumption and production?
I need to mull it over more; maybe I will bring this topic up again soon.
Either way, be well and enjoy today.
DKC
It does not seem like I am going to meet the right lady for me any time soon so if the purpose of my life is to get married or have children then I am not sure I am going to accomplish that. Maybe one of these Eharmony ladies will work out? But really is that point of life?
One of my best friends once told me that people’s purpose in life was to consume and produce. Well I certainly consume, and I produce computer repair so I am doing that. My recent goals have been to buy nice stuff and in the end a house / condo.
That does not seem very satisfying to me but getting new stuff is always good. Maybe I should try to volunteer again? I have always lived life trying to be the best person I can be but is that really my purpose combined with consumption and production?
I need to mull it over more; maybe I will bring this topic up again soon.
Either way, be well and enjoy today.
DKC
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
How is fear dealt with?
I suppose fear is one of the most motivating factors in my life. At least for me fear and anxiety seem to be heavy influencers. Not that I live my life always in fear but I do find it behind harder choices and life situations.
I suppose I need to work with my therapist about this situation but I generally assume there are people like me out there. I wonder how people with a problem with fear get from here to there. It seems so 2nd skin to me that its hard for me to understand people who seem to live life without fear...
I will try to live strong and I think I need to define my purpose to gain a better edge on my currect fear.
I suppose I need to work with my therapist about this situation but I generally assume there are people like me out there. I wonder how people with a problem with fear get from here to there. It seems so 2nd skin to me that its hard for me to understand people who seem to live life without fear...
I will try to live strong and I think I need to define my purpose to gain a better edge on my currect fear.
Monday, May 07, 2007
Surgery went well
I am happy to say that the surgery went well and I seriously went over board with the stress and pain. I sadly even smoked cigarettes again. It’s all good, tomorrow is a new day and I have plans to start an all new healthy life. Healing past the surgery is the first step.
Funny I did not have to get knocked out for the surgery.
Keep you posted
Funny I did not have to get knocked out for the surgery.
Keep you posted
Friday, May 04, 2007
Surgery
My surgery is coming Monday. I am pretty freaked out over it even though the surgery is minor. The doctor told me if you ever wanted to have surgery that the surgery I was getting was the best one. I have never been knocked out beyond sleeping that and the fact that I am in no pain distributes me greatly.
March forward, enjoy each day as it comes and do not regret.
March forward, enjoy each day as it comes and do not regret.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Original quotes
My Favorite original quotes.
"1. Do not scorn me because the most creative thing you have done today was set your alarm clock yesterday."
"2. A Joker can always be a King. However, a King can never be a Joker. I will be the Joker so I can be both."
"3. Maybe life is really just about saving one. For once one is saved then the all can follow.".
Take 27
I was going to just say take 2 but that felt too small and then I went to take 2007 but that did not seem funny so here we are take 27.
The idea here is keep trying until the end or the action is right. The problem is if a person applies the rule to life and each day of life being a chance to get things right like the movie ground hogs day then I want to keep taking forever even if I get it aka life right one day. See, I guess at the core that my problem is I do not want to die.
Most people live with or in fear and I am no exception. My fears lie in ends like death then in confinement and finally in failure.
Failure is a very selfish fear and really only defined by the individual in my opinion. That is the core of my fear of failure it’s not stable and changes with how I feel from one day to the next.
Well maybe later I will expand more I am distracted for now by the nice day outside and I really have to pee.
Man what a moster post below
The idea here is keep trying until the end or the action is right. The problem is if a person applies the rule to life and each day of life being a chance to get things right like the movie ground hogs day then I want to keep taking forever even if I get it aka life right one day. See, I guess at the core that my problem is I do not want to die.
Most people live with or in fear and I am no exception. My fears lie in ends like death then in confinement and finally in failure.
Failure is a very selfish fear and really only defined by the individual in my opinion. That is the core of my fear of failure it’s not stable and changes with how I feel from one day to the next.
Well maybe later I will expand more I am distracted for now by the nice day outside and I really have to pee.
Man what a moster post below
Monday, April 16, 2007
A slightly drunk IM Chat
Shortly after this chat below with my IM friend I had a conversation with this girl I am seeing and she wants some more space. Overall the idea is not that freaky to me but I will see in the future. Honestly things did seem to be going a little quick for 2 weeks despite the fact that I need to get laid. I was pushing a bit too hard which is fine; I can lay off because I am very good at being single. Overall good times but I am seeing a surgeon tomorrow for a hernia operation in the near future. That is a bit scary.
Be well
DKC
IM Chat
Dcazman: Hello, I am seriously buzzed and almost ready to call this girl I am seeing for her to give me the break up talk
Dcazman: I may try to arrange it to be my idea however so I can walk out of it with something but after I will most likely be depressed since I can not seem to hold a relationship
Dcazman: and now I am just rambling to you watching some crappy anime after drinking at a work function
Female Friend: breaking up? That sucks.
Dcazman: makes me really think I am a bad guy
Female Friend: didn’t know you were seeing anyone
Dcazman: yeah she has been giving me the sign that she is not interested of late and eluded to the breakup talk
Dcazman: o I thought I mentioned that sorry, it was short 2 weeks
Dcazman: just enough to remind me of the sweetness of what seemed to be what I dream a functional relationship is
Dcazman: I think I have to change something with therapy for sure if this ends
Female Friend: are you on match.com? I went on several dates through there last year before I met the current bf.
Dcazman: eharmony
Dcazman: I got sick of match
Dcazman: I think I might be to heavy in weight or very unattractive or too unique of a personality
Female Friend: just keep fishing Hon. She’s out there somewhere
Female Friend: no way. You’re being too hard on yourself.
Dcazman: I do not know, I think I will climb back into buying furniture and stuff whole and just stay single.
Female Friend: aaaaaww
Dcazman: I am like the only guy I know that does not piss on trees
Dcazman: and worry if I am gay
Dcazman: I do not care about sports
Dcazman: and I am not an ass hole
Female Friend: uh, do you like to fuck guys?
Female Friend: that would be a clue to the whole "gay" question...
Dcazman: god I wish I did
Dcazman: it would be easier
Dcazman: but no there is not a single guy that is attractive to me
Female Friend: I hear ya. I’ve wished I was a lesbian... but I like men too much
Dcazman: I get sick just thinking of kissing a guy or anything.
Dcazman: Thinking about being gay makes me want to throw up
Female Friend: hehe. Don’t worry. You don't have to kiss any guys.
Dcazman: I think something happened to me a long time ago and my personality changed in a way that is incapable of dating
Dcazman: it was around the time I got sick of using people and always getting what I wanted
Dcazman: I just wanted a female to like who I was, everything, no holding back
Dcazman: before then no women would say no, I mean seriously I use to have tons of sex, way more then most guys I know. Almost a porn star
Dcazman: But then I changed and now I am honest and truly like who I am
Dcazman: I smile at almost everything except sickness or death
Female Friend: are you putting too much pressure on yourself? Just relax and date
Dcazman: I always have fun even when someone is being mean
Dcazman: it has to be me
Dcazman: I mean I am 36 and no girl can stand to date me for more then 6 months
Dcazman: this girl could not even stand 2 weeks
Dcazman: it says something; I use to dream it was everyone else
Dcazman: but when it is everyone else then guess what
Dcazman: you’re alone
Female Friend:
Female Friend: I’m not buying it
Female Friend: I find you very pleasant
Female Friend: good conversationalist
Dcazman: everyone does
Dcazman:
Female Friend: sense of humor
Dcazman: but no one wants to date me
Dcazman: I am "quirky" (insane)
Female Friend: seems you can hold a job
Dcazman: I am the most unique person I know ...
Female Friend: everyone is quirky once you get to know them
Female Friend: seriously
Dcazman: yep loved at work and by friends
Dcazman: yes everyone "quirky" is but I am the about the only one honest about my insanty.
Dcazman: See, I made a vow years ago...always tell the truth
Dcazman: always
Dcazman:
Female Friend: that’s awesome
Dcazman: and since then I have not had a relationship
Dcazman: To make it different with this girl I have even lied a tiny bit, because my friends beg me.
Female Friend: are you speaking your mind when it's not necessary? Maybe you need to learn diplomacy
Dcazman: My friends say let her get to know me, lie a little, go slow.
Dcazman: Or maybe I am too much of a push over.
Dcazman: that is probably true
Dcazman: I like to think and consider someone else’s thought hardly ever do I take the hard line
Female Friend: dude, I wish we were neighbors. I’d have you over for a beer and a heart to heart
Dcazman: I am half in the bag
Female Friend: I know, the beer would be for me
Dcazman: I am just giving you it all, I am a bit sorry and if I was not so buzzed I would say it
Female Friend: you can say anything here. No worries!
Dcazman: you see how open this is, this is me! I am every day just a bit less
Female Friend: and I know Becky isn't going to tell your secrets
Dcazman: if I were an oven I would 5 degree cooler then this converstaion now.
Dcazman: I am just this open and direct
Dcazman: but I am also caring and see everything about people.
Dcazman: I could twist your mind if I wanted, and play games like everyone else
Dcazman: but it makes me SICK
Dcazman: god it does
Female Friend: relaaaaaax babe
Female Friend: you're so worked up
Dcazman: yeah I am sad, one year of being single and this one girl I pick
Dcazman: can not even handle 2 weeks
Dcazman: we have not even had sex
Female Friend: and you don't even know for sure if this girl wants to have the "breakup talk". Let her speak her mind before you jump to conclusions
Dcazman: I was just getting into cuddling
Dcazman: well once she says I need space I am coming back with the "I am out"
Dcazman: 2 weeks you need space, sorry, we are not right
Dcazman: I mean honestly
Dcazman: 2 weeks, someone needs space?
Female Friend: maybe she's feeling pressured and space would be good
Dcazman: I do not want to be lead around like some dog
Dcazman: really?
Female Friend: yes really
Dcazman: seems like it’s insane to ask for space so early
Dcazman: fucking, I wear my emotions on my sleeve so easy to see what I am up to
Female Friend: seems a little strange to consider that you're in a bf/gf relationship after 2 weeks. Don’t even know each other at all.
Dcazman: GD'ing honesty
Female Friend: slow it down
Dcazman: gah you might have a point
Female Friend: let her call and talk when she's ready
Dcazman: gah did me mention I was sorry for this chat yet?
Female Friend: hehe
Female Friend: you'd better not
Dcazman: GAH!
Female Friend: I live for this shit
Dcazman: I hate to to abuse our IM relationship
Dcazman: and I am buzzed
Female Friend: oh come on
Dcazman: I like you a lot, honestly
Dcazman:
Female Friend: if I have to go I’ll let you know
Dcazman: well you are A OK with me
Female Friend: hehe. back atcha Dano
Dcazman: brb getting some water
Female Friend: okee
Dcazman: my buzz was wearing off so I got a beer as well
Dcazman: tomorrow I go to the doctors
Dcazman: for pre-evaluation surgery
Dcazman: never had surgery
Dcazman: I am pretty freaked out about that
Female Friend: gonna tell me what for?
Dcazman: then the dermatologist to get rid of some of my skin tabs
Dcazman: o stomach hernia
Female Friend:
Female Friend: outpatient procedure?
Dcazman: I guess, same day thing I am told
Female Friend: don't drink too much sweetie. You don't want to be dehydrated tomorrow for your surgery. Be careful.
Dcazman: the surgeon will give me more information tomorrow
Dcazman: o surgery is not tomorrow
Dcazman: the surgeon is just going to poke me and write me down on some schedule
Female Friend: whew. I was worried and going to lecture you further.
Female Friend: gotcha
Dcazman: no I would be a mess, complexly sober right now if i had surgery comming
Dcazman: and taking some zaniax
Female Friend: you'll be fine.
Dcazman:
Dcazman: you have some time for more rambles?
Female Friend: surely.
Dcazman: I probably should just blog this
Female Friend: I’m just trying to convince my 9 yr old that he should take a bath.
Dcazman: anyway 2001 I declared bankruptcy for 50k
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: a year later I feel into this deep depression and anxiety
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: and I was sitting in my apartment and sad
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I got a kidney stone
Female Friend: ooouch
Dcazman: went to the hospital and became a bit of a Hypercondriact after that
Dcazman: anyway
Dcazman: during the week it took for the kidney stone to pass
Dcazman: I went over everything; I was so sad and lonely, anxious
Dcazman: I realized I had nothing really besides friends in my life
Dcazman: so I decided I needed to go back to some kind of religion
Dcazman: anyways, I figured the only 2 I would go to was catholic (raised, everyone is catholic)
Dcazman: or Buddhism
Dcazman: so sitting there alone in my apartment, in pain and scared
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I reviewed my entire life
Dcazman: and I realized during that week every mistake, lie and everything
Dcazman: all this shitty things I did to women and people,
Dcazman: and all the lies I had told to make people like me
Dcazman: I realized most of my friends had no idea who I was or anything about me
Dcazman: and my family could not care if I lived or die
Dcazman: anyway, during that week I decided to go back to Catholicism not because I have faith Dcazman: but because of a educated choice
Dcazman: but I figured if I was god I would not just take me Dcazman back
Dcazman: so I figured I had to give something to god to get back in and prove myself to god.
Dcazman: and what I gave was lying
Female Friend: wow
Female Friend: I admire the commitment
Dcazman: on that day I decided that I would do the best I could to never lie
Dcazman: so that is my ramble
Dcazman: and I am not sure why I told you
Female Friend: cause we're buddies
Dcazman: but you are like the 2nd person to know that
Dcazman: I think I had a point before
Dcazman: but lord knows what it was
Female Friend: really? Thank you for trusting me with that.
Dcazman: really
Dcazman: it’s kind of a long, boring sad story
Female Friend: I don’t think so
Dcazman: and it confuses many people
Dcazman: so I do not tell it
Female Friend: I think that that thought process brought you to a stronger, better place. That’s not sad or boring.
Dcazman: yeah that makes sense
Female Friend: most people just go through their lives not putting much thought into their motivations.
Female Friend: but you did, and you didn't like where you were at, and you made a conscious choice to change.
Female Friend: be proud of that
Dcazman: interesting, I generally am
Dcazman: the only problem the change to god has given me
Dcazman: is with my relationships with a women
Dcazman: because I am no longer really a man
Dcazman: I am more gay then a man
Dcazman: but I do not want to date a man or fuck a man.
Female Friend: whatever!
Dcazman: that is the problem
Female Friend: peeing on trees doesn’t make you a man
Dcazman: most women want a guy to take charge
Dcazman: and be decisive
Dcazman: and watch sports
Dcazman: and not be truly thoughtful
Female Friend: no no no
Dcazman: or perceptive
Dcazman: they all say they want something else besides a pee treeing man
Dcazman: all of them do
Female Friend: I want someone who is perceptive, thoughtful, decisive (yes) and not afraid to lead...
Dcazman: but it’s not true
Female Friend: lol. Are you saying I’m deluding myself?
Dcazman: I am decisive I just like to be well advised before I decide
Dcazman: well I can not say that you are deluded, you have kids and some guy a few hundred miles away, but maybe you are the girl for me
Dcazman: See, I learned in High school , how to enter my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: the "ramble" are your inner most thoughts?
Dcazman: yes I think ramble = my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: I’m glad I can be a sounding board
Female Friend: makes me feel useful
Dcazman: I think I am almost out of steam if that is any good news
Female Friend: going to go to bed?
Dcazman: no just out of the ramble
Dcazman: it’s silent in my head now
Dcazman: pee break
Dcazman: Back, there is a very dark place far deep in me
Dcazman: that even I do not know how to get to
Dcazman: behind everything I can see
Female Friend: uh oh. Has the conversation turned serious again?
Dcazman: in the shadows of every shadow
Dcazman: and in there is my anger
Dcazman: and in there is this thing that can do things beyond normal. That is were the user that was me now lives.
Female Friend: so... question for ya...
Dcazman: ask away
Female Friend: what are you looking for?
Female Friend: wife?
Female Friend: gf?
Female Friend: long-term lover?
Dcazman:
Female Friend: kids?
Dcazman: ha!
Female Friend: someone who works a lot?
Dcazman: I am not sure I want to spawn because that choice takes two people.
Dcazman: anyway
Female Friend: someone who wants to have fun fun fun?
Dcazman: besides that I would love someone who I could date for life
Dcazman: does that mean we never sleep with anyone else
Dcazman: hummm yeah
Dcazman: do I want a wife....I guess mostly yes
Dcazman: I want a life partner more
Dcazman: someone who will be my friend, someone who will be attracted to me
Dcazman: someone who I can talk to and hang out with and have sex with
Dcazman: I want too much
Female Friend: what if you find Mrs. Right... but she wants babies and a wedding ring? Does that mean she's not Mrs. Right?
Female Friend: you don't want too much. That’s what everyone wants.
Dcazman: I am the prefect snow white and seven dwarfs
Female Friend: pardon me?
Dcazman: no I will 100% get married and have kids
Dcazman: or I will just get married and not have kids
Female Friend: what if she already has kids?
Dcazman: I think kids require communications between 2
Female Friend: narrows the field if you want someone with no kids
Female Friend: oh ya
Dcazman: nah kids do not bother me at all, I love kids
Dcazman: I figure the relationship process might be longer
Female Friend: it's hella tricky to date when you have kids.
Dcazman: but I have no problem going into something with someone who has kids
Dcazman: yes, the process is harder but kids should not help or hurt the process on the path
Dcazman: kids are important, and I was not ready then I should get out
Dcazman: I am ready for either or
Female Friend: they do though, because you have to divide your time between the new relationship and the kids...
Dcazman: yes that is correct
Dcazman: sorry
Female Friend: and then you have to worry about meeting the new gf's kids... when's the right time, how friendly do you get, how much time do you spend with them... tricky tricky
Dcazman: I meant it more as kids should not make me marry "you"
Female Friend: oh very true
Dcazman: I should decide that as an independent factor, would I love you kids or no kids
Dcazman: if you have kids that has to be part of the package
Dcazman: but it should not be the 100% factor
Female Friend: hey, I need to get these kids to bed...
Female Friend: can I catch you in 20?
Dcazman: sooner or later kids grow up and leave home
Dcazman: o sure, I should be here
Female Friend: okees. I’ll be back.
Dcazman: thanks.
Be well
DKC
IM Chat
Dcazman: Hello, I am seriously buzzed and almost ready to call this girl I am seeing for her to give me the break up talk
Dcazman: I may try to arrange it to be my idea however so I can walk out of it with something but after I will most likely be depressed since I can not seem to hold a relationship
Dcazman: and now I am just rambling to you watching some crappy anime after drinking at a work function
Female Friend: breaking up? That sucks.
Dcazman: makes me really think I am a bad guy
Female Friend: didn’t know you were seeing anyone
Dcazman: yeah she has been giving me the sign that she is not interested of late and eluded to the breakup talk
Dcazman: o I thought I mentioned that sorry, it was short 2 weeks
Dcazman: just enough to remind me of the sweetness of what seemed to be what I dream a functional relationship is
Dcazman: I think I have to change something with therapy for sure if this ends
Female Friend: are you on match.com? I went on several dates through there last year before I met the current bf.
Dcazman: eharmony
Dcazman: I got sick of match
Dcazman: I think I might be to heavy in weight or very unattractive or too unique of a personality
Female Friend: just keep fishing Hon. She’s out there somewhere
Female Friend: no way. You’re being too hard on yourself.
Dcazman: I do not know, I think I will climb back into buying furniture and stuff whole and just stay single.
Female Friend: aaaaaww
Dcazman: I am like the only guy I know that does not piss on trees
Dcazman: and worry if I am gay
Dcazman: I do not care about sports
Dcazman: and I am not an ass hole
Female Friend: uh, do you like to fuck guys?
Female Friend: that would be a clue to the whole "gay" question...
Dcazman: god I wish I did
Dcazman: it would be easier
Dcazman: but no there is not a single guy that is attractive to me
Female Friend: I hear ya. I’ve wished I was a lesbian... but I like men too much
Dcazman: I get sick just thinking of kissing a guy or anything.
Dcazman: Thinking about being gay makes me want to throw up
Female Friend: hehe. Don’t worry. You don't have to kiss any guys.
Dcazman: I think something happened to me a long time ago and my personality changed in a way that is incapable of dating
Dcazman: it was around the time I got sick of using people and always getting what I wanted
Dcazman: I just wanted a female to like who I was, everything, no holding back
Dcazman: before then no women would say no, I mean seriously I use to have tons of sex, way more then most guys I know. Almost a porn star
Dcazman: But then I changed and now I am honest and truly like who I am
Dcazman: I smile at almost everything except sickness or death
Female Friend: are you putting too much pressure on yourself? Just relax and date
Dcazman: I always have fun even when someone is being mean
Dcazman: it has to be me
Dcazman: I mean I am 36 and no girl can stand to date me for more then 6 months
Dcazman: this girl could not even stand 2 weeks
Dcazman: it says something; I use to dream it was everyone else
Dcazman: but when it is everyone else then guess what
Dcazman: you’re alone
Female Friend:
Female Friend: I’m not buying it
Female Friend: I find you very pleasant
Female Friend: good conversationalist
Dcazman: everyone does
Dcazman:
Female Friend: sense of humor
Dcazman: but no one wants to date me
Dcazman: I am "quirky" (insane)
Female Friend: seems you can hold a job
Dcazman: I am the most unique person I know ...
Female Friend: everyone is quirky once you get to know them
Female Friend: seriously
Dcazman: yep loved at work and by friends
Dcazman: yes everyone "quirky" is but I am the about the only one honest about my insanty.
Dcazman: See, I made a vow years ago...always tell the truth
Dcazman: always
Dcazman:
Female Friend: that’s awesome
Dcazman: and since then I have not had a relationship
Dcazman: To make it different with this girl I have even lied a tiny bit, because my friends beg me.
Female Friend: are you speaking your mind when it's not necessary? Maybe you need to learn diplomacy
Dcazman: My friends say let her get to know me, lie a little, go slow.
Dcazman: Or maybe I am too much of a push over.
Dcazman: that is probably true
Dcazman: I like to think and consider someone else’s thought hardly ever do I take the hard line
Female Friend: dude, I wish we were neighbors. I’d have you over for a beer and a heart to heart
Dcazman: I am half in the bag
Female Friend: I know, the beer would be for me
Dcazman: I am just giving you it all, I am a bit sorry and if I was not so buzzed I would say it
Female Friend: you can say anything here. No worries!
Dcazman: you see how open this is, this is me! I am every day just a bit less
Female Friend: and I know Becky isn't going to tell your secrets
Dcazman: if I were an oven I would 5 degree cooler then this converstaion now.
Dcazman: I am just this open and direct
Dcazman: but I am also caring and see everything about people.
Dcazman: I could twist your mind if I wanted, and play games like everyone else
Dcazman: but it makes me SICK
Dcazman: god it does
Female Friend: relaaaaaax babe
Female Friend: you're so worked up
Dcazman: yeah I am sad, one year of being single and this one girl I pick
Dcazman: can not even handle 2 weeks
Dcazman: we have not even had sex
Female Friend: and you don't even know for sure if this girl wants to have the "breakup talk". Let her speak her mind before you jump to conclusions
Dcazman: I was just getting into cuddling
Dcazman: well once she says I need space I am coming back with the "I am out"
Dcazman: 2 weeks you need space, sorry, we are not right
Dcazman: I mean honestly
Dcazman: 2 weeks, someone needs space?
Female Friend: maybe she's feeling pressured and space would be good
Dcazman: I do not want to be lead around like some dog
Dcazman: really?
Female Friend: yes really
Dcazman: seems like it’s insane to ask for space so early
Dcazman: fucking, I wear my emotions on my sleeve so easy to see what I am up to
Female Friend: seems a little strange to consider that you're in a bf/gf relationship after 2 weeks. Don’t even know each other at all.
Dcazman: GD'ing honesty
Female Friend: slow it down
Dcazman: gah you might have a point
Female Friend: let her call and talk when she's ready
Dcazman: gah did me mention I was sorry for this chat yet?
Female Friend: hehe
Female Friend: you'd better not
Dcazman: GAH!
Female Friend: I live for this shit
Dcazman: I hate to to abuse our IM relationship
Dcazman: and I am buzzed
Female Friend: oh come on
Dcazman: I like you a lot, honestly
Dcazman:
Female Friend: if I have to go I’ll let you know
Dcazman: well you are A OK with me
Female Friend: hehe. back atcha Dano
Dcazman: brb getting some water
Female Friend: okee
Dcazman: my buzz was wearing off so I got a beer as well
Dcazman: tomorrow I go to the doctors
Dcazman: for pre-evaluation surgery
Dcazman: never had surgery
Dcazman: I am pretty freaked out about that
Female Friend: gonna tell me what for?
Dcazman: then the dermatologist to get rid of some of my skin tabs
Dcazman: o stomach hernia
Female Friend:
Female Friend: outpatient procedure?
Dcazman: I guess, same day thing I am told
Female Friend: don't drink too much sweetie. You don't want to be dehydrated tomorrow for your surgery. Be careful.
Dcazman: the surgeon will give me more information tomorrow
Dcazman: o surgery is not tomorrow
Dcazman: the surgeon is just going to poke me and write me down on some schedule
Female Friend: whew. I was worried and going to lecture you further.
Female Friend: gotcha
Dcazman: no I would be a mess, complexly sober right now if i had surgery comming
Dcazman: and taking some zaniax
Female Friend: you'll be fine.
Dcazman:
Dcazman: you have some time for more rambles?
Female Friend: surely.
Dcazman: I probably should just blog this
Female Friend: I’m just trying to convince my 9 yr old that he should take a bath.
Dcazman: anyway 2001 I declared bankruptcy for 50k
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: a year later I feel into this deep depression and anxiety
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: and I was sitting in my apartment and sad
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I got a kidney stone
Female Friend: ooouch
Dcazman: went to the hospital and became a bit of a Hypercondriact after that
Dcazman: anyway
Dcazman: during the week it took for the kidney stone to pass
Dcazman: I went over everything; I was so sad and lonely, anxious
Dcazman: I realized I had nothing really besides friends in my life
Dcazman: so I decided I needed to go back to some kind of religion
Dcazman: anyways, I figured the only 2 I would go to was catholic (raised, everyone is catholic)
Dcazman: or Buddhism
Dcazman: so sitting there alone in my apartment, in pain and scared
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I reviewed my entire life
Dcazman: and I realized during that week every mistake, lie and everything
Dcazman: all this shitty things I did to women and people,
Dcazman: and all the lies I had told to make people like me
Dcazman: I realized most of my friends had no idea who I was or anything about me
Dcazman: and my family could not care if I lived or die
Dcazman: anyway, during that week I decided to go back to Catholicism not because I have faith Dcazman: but because of a educated choice
Dcazman: but I figured if I was god I would not just take me Dcazman back
Dcazman: so I figured I had to give something to god to get back in and prove myself to god.
Dcazman: and what I gave was lying
Female Friend: wow
Female Friend: I admire the commitment
Dcazman: on that day I decided that I would do the best I could to never lie
Dcazman: so that is my ramble
Dcazman: and I am not sure why I told you
Female Friend: cause we're buddies
Dcazman: but you are like the 2nd person to know that
Dcazman: I think I had a point before
Dcazman: but lord knows what it was
Female Friend: really? Thank you for trusting me with that.
Dcazman: really
Dcazman: it’s kind of a long, boring sad story
Female Friend: I don’t think so
Dcazman: and it confuses many people
Dcazman: so I do not tell it
Female Friend: I think that that thought process brought you to a stronger, better place. That’s not sad or boring.
Dcazman: yeah that makes sense
Female Friend: most people just go through their lives not putting much thought into their motivations.
Female Friend: but you did, and you didn't like where you were at, and you made a conscious choice to change.
Female Friend: be proud of that
Dcazman: interesting, I generally am
Dcazman: the only problem the change to god has given me
Dcazman: is with my relationships with a women
Dcazman: because I am no longer really a man
Dcazman: I am more gay then a man
Dcazman: but I do not want to date a man or fuck a man.
Female Friend: whatever!
Dcazman: that is the problem
Female Friend: peeing on trees doesn’t make you a man
Dcazman: most women want a guy to take charge
Dcazman: and be decisive
Dcazman: and watch sports
Dcazman: and not be truly thoughtful
Female Friend: no no no
Dcazman: or perceptive
Dcazman: they all say they want something else besides a pee treeing man
Dcazman: all of them do
Female Friend: I want someone who is perceptive, thoughtful, decisive (yes) and not afraid to lead...
Dcazman: but it’s not true
Female Friend: lol. Are you saying I’m deluding myself?
Dcazman: I am decisive I just like to be well advised before I decide
Dcazman: well I can not say that you are deluded, you have kids and some guy a few hundred miles away, but maybe you are the girl for me
Dcazman: See, I learned in High school , how to enter my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: the "ramble" are your inner most thoughts?
Dcazman: yes I think ramble = my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: I’m glad I can be a sounding board
Female Friend: makes me feel useful
Dcazman: I think I am almost out of steam if that is any good news
Female Friend: going to go to bed?
Dcazman: no just out of the ramble
Dcazman: it’s silent in my head now
Dcazman: pee break
Dcazman: Back, there is a very dark place far deep in me
Dcazman: that even I do not know how to get to
Dcazman: behind everything I can see
Female Friend: uh oh. Has the conversation turned serious again?
Dcazman: in the shadows of every shadow
Dcazman: and in there is my anger
Dcazman: and in there is this thing that can do things beyond normal. That is were the user that was me now lives.
Female Friend: so... question for ya...
Dcazman: ask away
Female Friend: what are you looking for?
Female Friend: wife?
Female Friend: gf?
Female Friend: long-term lover?
Dcazman:
Female Friend: kids?
Dcazman: ha!
Female Friend: someone who works a lot?
Dcazman: I am not sure I want to spawn because that choice takes two people.
Dcazman: anyway
Female Friend: someone who wants to have fun fun fun?
Dcazman: besides that I would love someone who I could date for life
Dcazman: does that mean we never sleep with anyone else
Dcazman: hummm yeah
Dcazman: do I want a wife....I guess mostly yes
Dcazman: I want a life partner more
Dcazman: someone who will be my friend, someone who will be attracted to me
Dcazman: someone who I can talk to and hang out with and have sex with
Dcazman: I want too much
Female Friend: what if you find Mrs. Right... but she wants babies and a wedding ring? Does that mean she's not Mrs. Right?
Female Friend: you don't want too much. That’s what everyone wants.
Dcazman: I am the prefect snow white and seven dwarfs
Female Friend: pardon me?
Dcazman: no I will 100% get married and have kids
Dcazman: or I will just get married and not have kids
Female Friend: what if she already has kids?
Dcazman: I think kids require communications between 2
Female Friend: narrows the field if you want someone with no kids
Female Friend: oh ya
Dcazman: nah kids do not bother me at all, I love kids
Dcazman: I figure the relationship process might be longer
Female Friend: it's hella tricky to date when you have kids.
Dcazman: but I have no problem going into something with someone who has kids
Dcazman: yes, the process is harder but kids should not help or hurt the process on the path
Dcazman: kids are important, and I was not ready then I should get out
Dcazman: I am ready for either or
Female Friend: they do though, because you have to divide your time between the new relationship and the kids...
Dcazman: yes that is correct
Dcazman: sorry
Female Friend: and then you have to worry about meeting the new gf's kids... when's the right time, how friendly do you get, how much time do you spend with them... tricky tricky
Dcazman: I meant it more as kids should not make me marry "you"
Female Friend: oh very true
Dcazman: I should decide that as an independent factor, would I love you kids or no kids
Dcazman: if you have kids that has to be part of the package
Dcazman: but it should not be the 100% factor
Female Friend: hey, I need to get these kids to bed...
Female Friend: can I catch you in 20?
Dcazman: sooner or later kids grow up and leave home
Dcazman: o sure, I should be here
Female Friend: okees. I’ll be back.
Dcazman: thanks.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Friends with Benefits
I miss when I was younger and my female friends and I would randomly have sex when needed. I am not really sure what happened to that. I am also not certain to what happened to me randomly havening sex. I think I got sick of not having a relationship or "using" a women for sex. Honestly, in the end I would rather have a normal, productive, stable relationship but that does not seem to be happening. So, it would be nice to have a female friend around for those long nights . She would be my friend and we would hang out here and there do something thing but mainly focus on our intimacy needs.
I think these days it seems like a dream since I can not find someone to date or just to have sex with. Maybe I am not looking in the right places for either ? I have no idea but I am basically saying I miss kissing, holding, a naked female body next to me and all that from here to there. I wish I could find someone that was not complex were the situation was not hurting anyone but I think if I found that I would wonder why was I not dating the girl ?
I think these days it seems like a dream since I can not find someone to date or just to have sex with. Maybe I am not looking in the right places for either ? I have no idea but I am basically saying I miss kissing, holding, a naked female body next to me and all that from here to there. I wish I could find someone that was not complex were the situation was not hurting anyone but I think if I found that I would wonder why was I not dating the girl ?
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