A slightly drunk IM Chat

Shortly after this chat below with my IM friend I had a conversation with this girl I am seeing and she wants some more space. Overall the idea is not that freaky to me but I will see in the future. Honestly things did seem to be going a little quick for 2 weeks despite the fact that I need to get laid. I was pushing a bit too hard which is fine; I can lay off because I am very good at being single. Overall good times but I am seeing a surgeon tomorrow for a hernia operation in the near future. That is a bit scary.
Be well
DKC

IM Chat

Dcazman: Hello, I am seriously buzzed and almost ready to call this girl I am seeing for her to give me the break up talk
Dcazman: I may try to arrange it to be my idea however so I can walk out of it with something but after I will most likely be depressed since I can not seem to hold a relationship
Dcazman: and now I am just rambling to you watching some crappy anime after drinking at a work function
Female Friend: breaking up? That sucks.
Dcazman: makes me really think I am a bad guy
Female Friend: didn’t know you were seeing anyone
Dcazman: yeah she has been giving me the sign that she is not interested of late and eluded to the breakup talk
Dcazman: o I thought I mentioned that sorry, it was short 2 weeks
Dcazman: just enough to remind me of the sweetness of what seemed to be what I dream a functional relationship is
Dcazman: I think I have to change something with therapy for sure if this ends
Female Friend: are you on match.com? I went on several dates through there last year before I met the current bf.
Dcazman: eharmony
Dcazman: I got sick of match
Dcazman: I think I might be to heavy in weight or very unattractive or too unique of a personality
Female Friend: just keep fishing Hon. She’s out there somewhere
Female Friend: no way. You’re being too hard on yourself.
Dcazman: I do not know, I think I will climb back into buying furniture and stuff whole and just stay single.
Female Friend: aaaaaww
Dcazman: I am like the only guy I know that does not piss on trees
Dcazman: and worry if I am gay
Dcazman: I do not care about sports
Dcazman: and I am not an ass hole
Female Friend: uh, do you like to fuck guys?
Female Friend: that would be a clue to the whole "gay" question...
Dcazman: god I wish I did
Dcazman: it would be easier
Dcazman: but no there is not a single guy that is attractive to me
Female Friend: I hear ya. I’ve wished I was a lesbian... but I like men too much
Dcazman: I get sick just thinking of kissing a guy or anything.
Dcazman: Thinking about being gay makes me want to throw up
Female Friend: hehe. Don’t worry. You don't have to kiss any guys.
Dcazman: I think something happened to me a long time ago and my personality changed in a way that is incapable of dating
Dcazman: it was around the time I got sick of using people and always getting what I wanted
Dcazman: I just wanted a female to like who I was, everything, no holding back
Dcazman: before then no women would say no, I mean seriously I use to have tons of sex, way more then most guys I know. Almost a porn star
Dcazman: But then I changed and now I am honest and truly like who I am
Dcazman: I smile at almost everything except sickness or death
Female Friend: are you putting too much pressure on yourself? Just relax and date
Dcazman: I always have fun even when someone is being mean
Dcazman: it has to be me
Dcazman: I mean I am 36 and no girl can stand to date me for more then 6 months
Dcazman: this girl could not even stand 2 weeks
Dcazman: it says something; I use to dream it was everyone else
Dcazman: but when it is everyone else then guess what
Dcazman: you’re alone
Female Friend:
Female Friend: I’m not buying it
Female Friend: I find you very pleasant
Female Friend: good conversationalist
Dcazman: everyone does
Dcazman:
Female Friend: sense of humor
Dcazman: but no one wants to date me
Dcazman: I am "quirky" (insane)
Female Friend: seems you can hold a job
Dcazman: I am the most unique person I know ...
Female Friend: everyone is quirky once you get to know them
Female Friend: seriously
Dcazman: yep loved at work and by friends
Dcazman: yes everyone "quirky" is but I am the about the only one honest about my insanty.
Dcazman: See, I made a vow years ago...always tell the truth
Dcazman: always
Dcazman:
Female Friend: that’s awesome
Dcazman: and since then I have not had a relationship
Dcazman: To make it different with this girl I have even lied a tiny bit, because my friends beg me.
Female Friend: are you speaking your mind when it's not necessary? Maybe you need to learn diplomacy
Dcazman: My friends say let her get to know me, lie a little, go slow.
Dcazman: Or maybe I am too much of a push over.
Dcazman: that is probably true
Dcazman: I like to think and consider someone else’s thought hardly ever do I take the hard line
Female Friend: dude, I wish we were neighbors. I’d have you over for a beer and a heart to heart
Dcazman: I am half in the bag
Female Friend: I know, the beer would be for me
Dcazman: I am just giving you it all, I am a bit sorry and if I was not so buzzed I would say it
Female Friend: you can say anything here. No worries!
Dcazman: you see how open this is, this is me! I am every day just a bit less
Female Friend: and I know Becky isn't going to tell your secrets
Dcazman: if I were an oven I would 5 degree cooler then this converstaion now.
Dcazman: I am just this open and direct
Dcazman: but I am also caring and see everything about people.
Dcazman: I could twist your mind if I wanted, and play games like everyone else
Dcazman: but it makes me SICK
Dcazman: god it does
Female Friend: relaaaaaax babe
Female Friend: you're so worked up
Dcazman: yeah I am sad, one year of being single and this one girl I pick
Dcazman: can not even handle 2 weeks
Dcazman: we have not even had sex
Female Friend: and you don't even know for sure if this girl wants to have the "breakup talk". Let her speak her mind before you jump to conclusions
Dcazman: I was just getting into cuddling
Dcazman: well once she says I need space I am coming back with the "I am out"
Dcazman: 2 weeks you need space, sorry, we are not right
Dcazman: I mean honestly
Dcazman: 2 weeks, someone needs space?
Female Friend: maybe she's feeling pressured and space would be good
Dcazman: I do not want to be lead around like some dog
Dcazman: really?
Female Friend: yes really
Dcazman: seems like it’s insane to ask for space so early
Dcazman: fucking, I wear my emotions on my sleeve so easy to see what I am up to
Female Friend: seems a little strange to consider that you're in a bf/gf relationship after 2 weeks. Don’t even know each other at all.
Dcazman: GD'ing honesty
Female Friend: slow it down
Dcazman: gah you might have a point
Female Friend: let her call and talk when she's ready
Dcazman: gah did me mention I was sorry for this chat yet?
Female Friend: hehe
Female Friend: you'd better not
Dcazman: GAH!
Female Friend: I live for this shit
Dcazman: I hate to to abuse our IM relationship
Dcazman: and I am buzzed
Female Friend: oh come on
Dcazman: I like you a lot, honestly
Dcazman:
Female Friend: if I have to go I’ll let you know
Dcazman: well you are A OK with me
Female Friend: hehe. back atcha Dano
Dcazman: brb getting some water
Female Friend: okee
Dcazman: my buzz was wearing off so I got a beer as well
Dcazman: tomorrow I go to the doctors
Dcazman: for pre-evaluation surgery
Dcazman: never had surgery
Dcazman: I am pretty freaked out about that
Female Friend: gonna tell me what for?
Dcazman: then the dermatologist to get rid of some of my skin tabs
Dcazman: o stomach hernia
Female Friend:
Female Friend: outpatient procedure?
Dcazman: I guess, same day thing I am told
Female Friend: don't drink too much sweetie. You don't want to be dehydrated tomorrow for your surgery. Be careful.
Dcazman: the surgeon will give me more information tomorrow
Dcazman: o surgery is not tomorrow
Dcazman: the surgeon is just going to poke me and write me down on some schedule
Female Friend: whew. I was worried and going to lecture you further.
Female Friend: gotcha
Dcazman: no I would be a mess, complexly sober right now if i had surgery comming
Dcazman: and taking some zaniax
Female Friend: you'll be fine.
Dcazman:
Dcazman: you have some time for more rambles?
Female Friend: surely.
Dcazman: I probably should just blog this
Female Friend: I’m just trying to convince my 9 yr old that he should take a bath.
Dcazman: anyway 2001 I declared bankruptcy for 50k
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: a year later I feel into this deep depression and anxiety
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: and I was sitting in my apartment and sad
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I got a kidney stone
Female Friend: ooouch
Dcazman: went to the hospital and became a bit of a Hypercondriact after that
Dcazman: anyway
Dcazman: during the week it took for the kidney stone to pass
Dcazman: I went over everything; I was so sad and lonely, anxious
Dcazman: I realized I had nothing really besides friends in my life
Dcazman: so I decided I needed to go back to some kind of religion
Dcazman: anyways, I figured the only 2 I would go to was catholic (raised, everyone is catholic)
Dcazman: or Buddhism
Dcazman: so sitting there alone in my apartment, in pain and scared
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I reviewed my entire life
Dcazman: and I realized during that week every mistake, lie and everything
Dcazman: all this shitty things I did to women and people,
Dcazman: and all the lies I had told to make people like me
Dcazman: I realized most of my friends had no idea who I was or anything about me
Dcazman: and my family could not care if I lived or die
Dcazman: anyway, during that week I decided to go back to Catholicism not because I have faith Dcazman: but because of a educated choice
Dcazman: but I figured if I was god I would not just take me Dcazman back
Dcazman: so I figured I had to give something to god to get back in and prove myself to god.
Dcazman: and what I gave was lying
Female Friend: wow
Female Friend: I admire the commitment
Dcazman: on that day I decided that I would do the best I could to never lie
Dcazman: so that is my ramble
Dcazman: and I am not sure why I told you
Female Friend: cause we're buddies
Dcazman: but you are like the 2nd person to know that
Dcazman: I think I had a point before
Dcazman: but lord knows what it was
Female Friend: really? Thank you for trusting me with that.
Dcazman: really
Dcazman: it’s kind of a long, boring sad story
Female Friend: I don’t think so
Dcazman: and it confuses many people
Dcazman: so I do not tell it
Female Friend: I think that that thought process brought you to a stronger, better place. That’s not sad or boring.
Dcazman: yeah that makes sense
Female Friend: most people just go through their lives not putting much thought into their motivations.
Female Friend: but you did, and you didn't like where you were at, and you made a conscious choice to change.
Female Friend: be proud of that
Dcazman: interesting, I generally am
Dcazman: the only problem the change to god has given me
Dcazman: is with my relationships with a women
Dcazman: because I am no longer really a man
Dcazman: I am more gay then a man
Dcazman: but I do not want to date a man or fuck a man.
Female Friend: whatever!
Dcazman: that is the problem
Female Friend: peeing on trees doesn’t make you a man
Dcazman: most women want a guy to take charge
Dcazman: and be decisive
Dcazman: and watch sports
Dcazman: and not be truly thoughtful
Female Friend: no no no
Dcazman: or perceptive
Dcazman: they all say they want something else besides a pee treeing man
Dcazman: all of them do
Female Friend: I want someone who is perceptive, thoughtful, decisive (yes) and not afraid to lead...
Dcazman: but it’s not true
Female Friend: lol. Are you saying I’m deluding myself?
Dcazman: I am decisive I just like to be well advised before I decide
Dcazman: well I can not say that you are deluded, you have kids and some guy a few hundred miles away, but maybe you are the girl for me
Dcazman: See, I learned in High school , how to enter my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: the "ramble" are your inner most thoughts?
Dcazman: yes I think ramble = my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: I’m glad I can be a sounding board
Female Friend: makes me feel useful
Dcazman: I think I am almost out of steam if that is any good news
Female Friend: going to go to bed?
Dcazman: no just out of the ramble
Dcazman: it’s silent in my head now
Dcazman: pee break
Dcazman: Back, there is a very dark place far deep in me
Dcazman: that even I do not know how to get to
Dcazman: behind everything I can see
Female Friend: uh oh. Has the conversation turned serious again?
Dcazman: in the shadows of every shadow
Dcazman: and in there is my anger
Dcazman: and in there is this thing that can do things beyond normal. That is were the user that was me now lives.
Female Friend: so... question for ya...
Dcazman: ask away
Female Friend: what are you looking for?
Female Friend: wife?
Female Friend: gf?
Female Friend: long-term lover?
Dcazman:
Female Friend: kids?
Dcazman: ha!
Female Friend: someone who works a lot?
Dcazman: I am not sure I want to spawn because that choice takes two people.
Dcazman: anyway
Female Friend: someone who wants to have fun fun fun?
Dcazman: besides that I would love someone who I could date for life
Dcazman: does that mean we never sleep with anyone else
Dcazman: hummm yeah
Dcazman: do I want a wife....I guess mostly yes
Dcazman: I want a life partner more
Dcazman: someone who will be my friend, someone who will be attracted to me
Dcazman: someone who I can talk to and hang out with and have sex with
Dcazman: I want too much
Female Friend: what if you find Mrs. Right... but she wants babies and a wedding ring? Does that mean she's not Mrs. Right?
Female Friend: you don't want too much. That’s what everyone wants.
Dcazman: I am the prefect snow white and seven dwarfs
Female Friend: pardon me?
Dcazman: no I will 100% get married and have kids
Dcazman: or I will just get married and not have kids
Female Friend: what if she already has kids?
Dcazman: I think kids require communications between 2
Female Friend: narrows the field if you want someone with no kids
Female Friend: oh ya
Dcazman: nah kids do not bother me at all, I love kids
Dcazman: I figure the relationship process might be longer
Female Friend: it's hella tricky to date when you have kids.
Dcazman: but I have no problem going into something with someone who has kids
Dcazman: yes, the process is harder but kids should not help or hurt the process on the path
Dcazman: kids are important, and I was not ready then I should get out
Dcazman: I am ready for either or
Female Friend: they do though, because you have to divide your time between the new relationship and the kids...
Dcazman: yes that is correct
Dcazman: sorry
Female Friend: and then you have to worry about meeting the new gf's kids... when's the right time, how friendly do you get, how much time do you spend with them... tricky tricky
Dcazman: I meant it more as kids should not make me marry "you"
Female Friend: oh very true
Dcazman: I should decide that as an independent factor, would I love you kids or no kids
Dcazman: if you have kids that has to be part of the package
Dcazman: but it should not be the 100% factor
Female Friend: hey, I need to get these kids to bed...
Female Friend: can I catch you in 20?
Dcazman: sooner or later kids grow up and leave home
Dcazman: o sure, I should be here
Female Friend: okees. I’ll be back.
Dcazman: thanks.