If I told you the whole story

If I told you the whole story, all the detail, every risk. Would the outcome be fair despite the results?

Are we all alone in a crowded room?

Must life really be about lying?

Maybe evolution has further to go with people so we can live without fear of the truth and each other.

I recently made a statement to someone, I said I try never to lie and she said "don't be silly everyone lies". I am no longer sure that is not true, even though I make the best effort to not lie.

I need to live life better in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally. I hope I live long enough to figure out how and maybe even explain that here.

Happy Holidays.
DKC :)

Check in

A friend surprised me the other day by saying "I was reading your blog yesterday and wanted to ask...", I forget what he asked but I found it chilling that people I know actually read my blog. Then I thought that was funny, I have always suspected no one was reading or anonymous strangers were reading. Heck I make my own comments to things I write .

Either way, things are going well.
I am seeing a girl,(nothing serious yet)
I have all new furniture,
I am going on weight watchers,
I am a little less then 5k in debut,
I have more single friends, and things to do.

I have new goals which include
getting back out of debut,
saving to buy real estate,
losing weight without going to a gym,
I can not think of more of my new goals now.

I also learned that even if something is true it does not need to be said. ie do not speak negatively even if it is true. Also, put my pants on before my shoes. Something else that is escaping me for now. I will maybe come back and update this entry more later.

Be well

Worse Case Scenario

I love claiming every situation at its worse case scenario. Thinking about a situation becoming the worse case scenario is just so exciting and addictive I can just eat it up like candy yum yum yum...

I am far too paranoid, impulsive and dramatic and I am sure that makes me a sucker. The amount of effort it takes to stop these railroading thoughts is pretty intensive and some times almost impossible. I know this makes me a little obsessive and I do not deny it but identification is the first step. I just need to focus more because the more I write about this problem the more I understand it really is a problem.

I have noticed small Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) behavior in myself which I am sure feeds into everything I just said. However, this doomsayer situation I have is not productive for anyone including me. It only adds to other peoples panic. This is a problem I am going to have to work on. This is my first step, writing about it hopefully new steps will come

DKC

Change in the air

I am back, sorry for the wait. I never really found a purpose from my last post and thanks for the comments.

I got all my furniture now and about 6k in debut.

I had a old college buddy contact me out of the blue last night. We are going to meet up one night soon. Right after that I had this strange feeling that my life is about to change. It is a very strong feeling like the sound of a buzzing bee in my ear. Anyway that is all I have to say about it for now. My 6th sense is tingling and I am not sure if what to come is bad or good but I think my life has some big changes to come.

We will see :)

DKC

Purpose

Lately I have been trying to figure out what my purpose is or what the point is of my life.
It does not seem like I am going to meet the right lady for me any time soon so if the purpose of my life is to get married or have children then I am not sure I am going to accomplish that. Maybe one of these Eharmony ladies will work out? But really is that point of life?
One of my best friends once told me that people’s purpose in life was to consume and produce. Well I certainly consume, and I produce computer repair so I am doing that. My recent goals have been to buy nice stuff and in the end a house / condo.
That does not seem very satisfying to me but getting new stuff is always good. Maybe I should try to volunteer again? I have always lived life trying to be the best person I can be but is that really my purpose combined with consumption and production?
I need to mull it over more; maybe I will bring this topic up again soon.

Either way, be well and enjoy today.
DKC

How is fear dealt with?

I suppose fear is one of the most motivating factors in my life. At least for me fear and anxiety seem to be heavy influencers. Not that I live my life always in fear but I do find it behind harder choices and life situations.
I suppose I need to work with my therapist about this situation but I generally assume there are people like me out there. I wonder how people with a problem with fear get from here to there. It seems so 2nd skin to me that its hard for me to understand people who seem to live life without fear...

I will try to live strong and I think I need to define my purpose to gain a better edge on my currect fear.

Surgery went well

I am happy to say that the surgery went well and I seriously went over board with the stress and pain. I sadly even smoked cigarettes again. It’s all good, tomorrow is a new day and I have plans to start an all new healthy life. Healing past the surgery is the first step.

Funny I did not have to get knocked out for the surgery.

Keep you posted

Surgery

My surgery is coming Monday. I am pretty freaked out over it even though the surgery is minor. The doctor told me if you ever wanted to have surgery that the surgery I was getting was the best one. I have never been knocked out beyond sleeping that and the fact that I am in no pain distributes me greatly.

March forward, enjoy each day as it comes and do not regret.

Original quotes

My Favorite original quotes.

"1. Do not scorn me because the most creative thing you have done today was set your alarm clock yesterday."

"2. A Joker can always be a King. However, a King can never be a Joker. I will be the Joker so I can be both."

"3. Maybe life is really just about saving one. For once one is saved then the all can follow.".

Take 27

I was going to just say take 2 but that felt too small and then I went to take 2007 but that did not seem funny so here we are take 27.
The idea here is keep trying until the end or the action is right. The problem is if a person applies the rule to life and each day of life being a chance to get things right like the movie ground hogs day then I want to keep taking forever even if I get it aka life right one day. See, I guess at the core that my problem is I do not want to die.

Most people live with or in fear and I am no exception. My fears lie in ends like death then in confinement and finally in failure.
Failure is a very selfish fear and really only defined by the individual in my opinion. That is the core of my fear of failure it’s not stable and changes with how I feel from one day to the next.

Well maybe later I will expand more I am distracted for now by the nice day outside and I really have to pee.

Man what a moster post below

A slightly drunk IM Chat

Shortly after this chat below with my IM friend I had a conversation with this girl I am seeing and she wants some more space. Overall the idea is not that freaky to me but I will see in the future. Honestly things did seem to be going a little quick for 2 weeks despite the fact that I need to get laid. I was pushing a bit too hard which is fine; I can lay off because I am very good at being single. Overall good times but I am seeing a surgeon tomorrow for a hernia operation in the near future. That is a bit scary.
Be well
DKC

IM Chat

Dcazman: Hello, I am seriously buzzed and almost ready to call this girl I am seeing for her to give me the break up talk
Dcazman: I may try to arrange it to be my idea however so I can walk out of it with something but after I will most likely be depressed since I can not seem to hold a relationship
Dcazman: and now I am just rambling to you watching some crappy anime after drinking at a work function
Female Friend: breaking up? That sucks.
Dcazman: makes me really think I am a bad guy
Female Friend: didn’t know you were seeing anyone
Dcazman: yeah she has been giving me the sign that she is not interested of late and eluded to the breakup talk
Dcazman: o I thought I mentioned that sorry, it was short 2 weeks
Dcazman: just enough to remind me of the sweetness of what seemed to be what I dream a functional relationship is
Dcazman: I think I have to change something with therapy for sure if this ends
Female Friend: are you on match.com? I went on several dates through there last year before I met the current bf.
Dcazman: eharmony
Dcazman: I got sick of match
Dcazman: I think I might be to heavy in weight or very unattractive or too unique of a personality
Female Friend: just keep fishing Hon. She’s out there somewhere
Female Friend: no way. You’re being too hard on yourself.
Dcazman: I do not know, I think I will climb back into buying furniture and stuff whole and just stay single.
Female Friend: aaaaaww
Dcazman: I am like the only guy I know that does not piss on trees
Dcazman: and worry if I am gay
Dcazman: I do not care about sports
Dcazman: and I am not an ass hole
Female Friend: uh, do you like to fuck guys?
Female Friend: that would be a clue to the whole "gay" question...
Dcazman: god I wish I did
Dcazman: it would be easier
Dcazman: but no there is not a single guy that is attractive to me
Female Friend: I hear ya. I’ve wished I was a lesbian... but I like men too much
Dcazman: I get sick just thinking of kissing a guy or anything.
Dcazman: Thinking about being gay makes me want to throw up
Female Friend: hehe. Don’t worry. You don't have to kiss any guys.
Dcazman: I think something happened to me a long time ago and my personality changed in a way that is incapable of dating
Dcazman: it was around the time I got sick of using people and always getting what I wanted
Dcazman: I just wanted a female to like who I was, everything, no holding back
Dcazman: before then no women would say no, I mean seriously I use to have tons of sex, way more then most guys I know. Almost a porn star
Dcazman: But then I changed and now I am honest and truly like who I am
Dcazman: I smile at almost everything except sickness or death
Female Friend: are you putting too much pressure on yourself? Just relax and date
Dcazman: I always have fun even when someone is being mean
Dcazman: it has to be me
Dcazman: I mean I am 36 and no girl can stand to date me for more then 6 months
Dcazman: this girl could not even stand 2 weeks
Dcazman: it says something; I use to dream it was everyone else
Dcazman: but when it is everyone else then guess what
Dcazman: you’re alone
Female Friend:
Female Friend: I’m not buying it
Female Friend: I find you very pleasant
Female Friend: good conversationalist
Dcazman: everyone does
Dcazman:
Female Friend: sense of humor
Dcazman: but no one wants to date me
Dcazman: I am "quirky" (insane)
Female Friend: seems you can hold a job
Dcazman: I am the most unique person I know ...
Female Friend: everyone is quirky once you get to know them
Female Friend: seriously
Dcazman: yep loved at work and by friends
Dcazman: yes everyone "quirky" is but I am the about the only one honest about my insanty.
Dcazman: See, I made a vow years ago...always tell the truth
Dcazman: always
Dcazman:
Female Friend: that’s awesome
Dcazman: and since then I have not had a relationship
Dcazman: To make it different with this girl I have even lied a tiny bit, because my friends beg me.
Female Friend: are you speaking your mind when it's not necessary? Maybe you need to learn diplomacy
Dcazman: My friends say let her get to know me, lie a little, go slow.
Dcazman: Or maybe I am too much of a push over.
Dcazman: that is probably true
Dcazman: I like to think and consider someone else’s thought hardly ever do I take the hard line
Female Friend: dude, I wish we were neighbors. I’d have you over for a beer and a heart to heart
Dcazman: I am half in the bag
Female Friend: I know, the beer would be for me
Dcazman: I am just giving you it all, I am a bit sorry and if I was not so buzzed I would say it
Female Friend: you can say anything here. No worries!
Dcazman: you see how open this is, this is me! I am every day just a bit less
Female Friend: and I know Becky isn't going to tell your secrets
Dcazman: if I were an oven I would 5 degree cooler then this converstaion now.
Dcazman: I am just this open and direct
Dcazman: but I am also caring and see everything about people.
Dcazman: I could twist your mind if I wanted, and play games like everyone else
Dcazman: but it makes me SICK
Dcazman: god it does
Female Friend: relaaaaaax babe
Female Friend: you're so worked up
Dcazman: yeah I am sad, one year of being single and this one girl I pick
Dcazman: can not even handle 2 weeks
Dcazman: we have not even had sex
Female Friend: and you don't even know for sure if this girl wants to have the "breakup talk". Let her speak her mind before you jump to conclusions
Dcazman: I was just getting into cuddling
Dcazman: well once she says I need space I am coming back with the "I am out"
Dcazman: 2 weeks you need space, sorry, we are not right
Dcazman: I mean honestly
Dcazman: 2 weeks, someone needs space?
Female Friend: maybe she's feeling pressured and space would be good
Dcazman: I do not want to be lead around like some dog
Dcazman: really?
Female Friend: yes really
Dcazman: seems like it’s insane to ask for space so early
Dcazman: fucking, I wear my emotions on my sleeve so easy to see what I am up to
Female Friend: seems a little strange to consider that you're in a bf/gf relationship after 2 weeks. Don’t even know each other at all.
Dcazman: GD'ing honesty
Female Friend: slow it down
Dcazman: gah you might have a point
Female Friend: let her call and talk when she's ready
Dcazman: gah did me mention I was sorry for this chat yet?
Female Friend: hehe
Female Friend: you'd better not
Dcazman: GAH!
Female Friend: I live for this shit
Dcazman: I hate to to abuse our IM relationship
Dcazman: and I am buzzed
Female Friend: oh come on
Dcazman: I like you a lot, honestly
Dcazman:
Female Friend: if I have to go I’ll let you know
Dcazman: well you are A OK with me
Female Friend: hehe. back atcha Dano
Dcazman: brb getting some water
Female Friend: okee
Dcazman: my buzz was wearing off so I got a beer as well
Dcazman: tomorrow I go to the doctors
Dcazman: for pre-evaluation surgery
Dcazman: never had surgery
Dcazman: I am pretty freaked out about that
Female Friend: gonna tell me what for?
Dcazman: then the dermatologist to get rid of some of my skin tabs
Dcazman: o stomach hernia
Female Friend:
Female Friend: outpatient procedure?
Dcazman: I guess, same day thing I am told
Female Friend: don't drink too much sweetie. You don't want to be dehydrated tomorrow for your surgery. Be careful.
Dcazman: the surgeon will give me more information tomorrow
Dcazman: o surgery is not tomorrow
Dcazman: the surgeon is just going to poke me and write me down on some schedule
Female Friend: whew. I was worried and going to lecture you further.
Female Friend: gotcha
Dcazman: no I would be a mess, complexly sober right now if i had surgery comming
Dcazman: and taking some zaniax
Female Friend: you'll be fine.
Dcazman:
Dcazman: you have some time for more rambles?
Female Friend: surely.
Dcazman: I probably should just blog this
Female Friend: I’m just trying to convince my 9 yr old that he should take a bath.
Dcazman: anyway 2001 I declared bankruptcy for 50k
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: a year later I feel into this deep depression and anxiety
Female Friend: been there. Done that.
Dcazman: and I was sitting in my apartment and sad
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I got a kidney stone
Female Friend: ooouch
Dcazman: went to the hospital and became a bit of a Hypercondriact after that
Dcazman: anyway
Dcazman: during the week it took for the kidney stone to pass
Dcazman: I went over everything; I was so sad and lonely, anxious
Dcazman: I realized I had nothing really besides friends in my life
Dcazman: so I decided I needed to go back to some kind of religion
Dcazman: anyways, I figured the only 2 I would go to was catholic (raised, everyone is catholic)
Dcazman: or Buddhism
Dcazman: so sitting there alone in my apartment, in pain and scared
Female Friend:
Dcazman: I reviewed my entire life
Dcazman: and I realized during that week every mistake, lie and everything
Dcazman: all this shitty things I did to women and people,
Dcazman: and all the lies I had told to make people like me
Dcazman: I realized most of my friends had no idea who I was or anything about me
Dcazman: and my family could not care if I lived or die
Dcazman: anyway, during that week I decided to go back to Catholicism not because I have faith Dcazman: but because of a educated choice
Dcazman: but I figured if I was god I would not just take me Dcazman back
Dcazman: so I figured I had to give something to god to get back in and prove myself to god.
Dcazman: and what I gave was lying
Female Friend: wow
Female Friend: I admire the commitment
Dcazman: on that day I decided that I would do the best I could to never lie
Dcazman: so that is my ramble
Dcazman: and I am not sure why I told you
Female Friend: cause we're buddies
Dcazman: but you are like the 2nd person to know that
Dcazman: I think I had a point before
Dcazman: but lord knows what it was
Female Friend: really? Thank you for trusting me with that.
Dcazman: really
Dcazman: it’s kind of a long, boring sad story
Female Friend: I don’t think so
Dcazman: and it confuses many people
Dcazman: so I do not tell it
Female Friend: I think that that thought process brought you to a stronger, better place. That’s not sad or boring.
Dcazman: yeah that makes sense
Female Friend: most people just go through their lives not putting much thought into their motivations.
Female Friend: but you did, and you didn't like where you were at, and you made a conscious choice to change.
Female Friend: be proud of that
Dcazman: interesting, I generally am
Dcazman: the only problem the change to god has given me
Dcazman: is with my relationships with a women
Dcazman: because I am no longer really a man
Dcazman: I am more gay then a man
Dcazman: but I do not want to date a man or fuck a man.
Female Friend: whatever!
Dcazman: that is the problem
Female Friend: peeing on trees doesn’t make you a man
Dcazman: most women want a guy to take charge
Dcazman: and be decisive
Dcazman: and watch sports
Dcazman: and not be truly thoughtful
Female Friend: no no no
Dcazman: or perceptive
Dcazman: they all say they want something else besides a pee treeing man
Dcazman: all of them do
Female Friend: I want someone who is perceptive, thoughtful, decisive (yes) and not afraid to lead...
Dcazman: but it’s not true
Female Friend: lol. Are you saying I’m deluding myself?
Dcazman: I am decisive I just like to be well advised before I decide
Dcazman: well I can not say that you are deluded, you have kids and some guy a few hundred miles away, but maybe you are the girl for me
Dcazman: See, I learned in High school , how to enter my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: the "ramble" are your inner most thoughts?
Dcazman: yes I think ramble = my inner most thoughts
Female Friend: I’m glad I can be a sounding board
Female Friend: makes me feel useful
Dcazman: I think I am almost out of steam if that is any good news
Female Friend: going to go to bed?
Dcazman: no just out of the ramble
Dcazman: it’s silent in my head now
Dcazman: pee break
Dcazman: Back, there is a very dark place far deep in me
Dcazman: that even I do not know how to get to
Dcazman: behind everything I can see
Female Friend: uh oh. Has the conversation turned serious again?
Dcazman: in the shadows of every shadow
Dcazman: and in there is my anger
Dcazman: and in there is this thing that can do things beyond normal. That is were the user that was me now lives.
Female Friend: so... question for ya...
Dcazman: ask away
Female Friend: what are you looking for?
Female Friend: wife?
Female Friend: gf?
Female Friend: long-term lover?
Dcazman:
Female Friend: kids?
Dcazman: ha!
Female Friend: someone who works a lot?
Dcazman: I am not sure I want to spawn because that choice takes two people.
Dcazman: anyway
Female Friend: someone who wants to have fun fun fun?
Dcazman: besides that I would love someone who I could date for life
Dcazman: does that mean we never sleep with anyone else
Dcazman: hummm yeah
Dcazman: do I want a wife....I guess mostly yes
Dcazman: I want a life partner more
Dcazman: someone who will be my friend, someone who will be attracted to me
Dcazman: someone who I can talk to and hang out with and have sex with
Dcazman: I want too much
Female Friend: what if you find Mrs. Right... but she wants babies and a wedding ring? Does that mean she's not Mrs. Right?
Female Friend: you don't want too much. That’s what everyone wants.
Dcazman: I am the prefect snow white and seven dwarfs
Female Friend: pardon me?
Dcazman: no I will 100% get married and have kids
Dcazman: or I will just get married and not have kids
Female Friend: what if she already has kids?
Dcazman: I think kids require communications between 2
Female Friend: narrows the field if you want someone with no kids
Female Friend: oh ya
Dcazman: nah kids do not bother me at all, I love kids
Dcazman: I figure the relationship process might be longer
Female Friend: it's hella tricky to date when you have kids.
Dcazman: but I have no problem going into something with someone who has kids
Dcazman: yes, the process is harder but kids should not help or hurt the process on the path
Dcazman: kids are important, and I was not ready then I should get out
Dcazman: I am ready for either or
Female Friend: they do though, because you have to divide your time between the new relationship and the kids...
Dcazman: yes that is correct
Dcazman: sorry
Female Friend: and then you have to worry about meeting the new gf's kids... when's the right time, how friendly do you get, how much time do you spend with them... tricky tricky
Dcazman: I meant it more as kids should not make me marry "you"
Female Friend: oh very true
Dcazman: I should decide that as an independent factor, would I love you kids or no kids
Dcazman: if you have kids that has to be part of the package
Dcazman: but it should not be the 100% factor
Female Friend: hey, I need to get these kids to bed...
Female Friend: can I catch you in 20?
Dcazman: sooner or later kids grow up and leave home
Dcazman: o sure, I should be here
Female Friend: okees. I’ll be back.
Dcazman: thanks.

Friends with Benefits

I miss when I was younger and my female friends and I would randomly have sex when needed. I am not really sure what happened to that. I am also not certain to what happened to me randomly havening sex. I think I got sick of not having a relationship or "using" a women for sex. Honestly, in the end I would rather have a normal, productive, stable relationship but that does not seem to be happening. So, it would be nice to have a female friend around for those long nights . She would be my friend and we would hang out here and there do something thing but mainly focus on our intimacy needs.
I think these days it seems like a dream since I can not find someone to date or just to have sex with. Maybe I am not looking in the right places for either ? I have no idea but I am basically saying I miss kissing, holding, a naked female body next to me and all that from here to there. I wish I could find someone that was not complex were the situation was not hurting anyone but I think if I found that I would wonder why was I not dating the girl ?

Spray down

Yesterday I went to get my car detail cleaned and while walking out of the place on a conference call. I decided to walk threw the large opening. Well there was a pressure sensitive line on the floor that I promptly stepped on. When I did I of course got sprayed with water down the left side of my body. Nice!
It dried off pretty quickly, but I thought I would share.

Have fun today,

DKC

Furniture

I am thinking of spending about 3k give or take on all new furniture for my living room. I saved some cash but likely I will not go on the cruse this year if I buy it. I still need to save 3 plus months of pay and a deposit on a condo. I have no idea how people buy nice stuff, save to buy bigger stuff and have savings for hard times.
I think it is all crazy, makes me want to scream but I am going to do it. Savings or not, condo or not.

Whatever, live a little some times. I will try to post more soon.

Yeah I am here.

I kind of dropped off the world lately. I have this project at work that is keeping me very busy. That and the WOW expansion and a few other events have given me very little time.

I am still single and not very hopeful that will change any time soon.

I have recently decied that I need a long term plan to lose about 40 pds of weight. I am going to do push ups, sit ups, pull ups and buy a bike trainer. Besides that I have to change my diet some but working out a little daily should start the right progress, while I buy some stuff and fix my diet.

I do not have much more to say now but I will try to update again soon with something more interesting.

Guess I am just strange

I use to be able to have aimless sex but now I want to have a relationship and I have trouble. It was far easier for me to just have sex with a girl then to date her. When I changed myself away from having sex I changed myself so much I am not even sure how attractive I am to ladies anymore.
These are the reasons I am going to a therapist and probably why I am single.

I am an out of the box thinker or me creatively insane, just not in a dangerous way. However, I do know I have a deep anger and rage that comes out sometimes. It is something I have to work on with my therapist as well. If I ever have kids the anger or rage would not be suitable. I have been known to act fast in a fit of rage and that is not good especially for kids.
Though at 36 and not knowing a woman that I want to marry, I am starting to wonder if I will have kids anymore. I am not sure that is what the accumulation of my life is about. I would like to have an effect on history and society but maybe children are not the way that will happen. Sadly there are no more light bulbs to create.

That is all for now,
DKC

New Goals

My new goals are the following

The following has the overall new two basic guidelines I am going to try and direct my life to.

1) Be as happy as I can be
2) Buy stuff

So with that in mind

Buy new furniture. I have to replace everything except my bed, living room TV, Living room TV stand and PC (needs some upgrading). $8 thousand or so for everthing here.
Join a gym for some bike riding.
Join a dojo to get back into the martial arts .
Get on a plane that will take me some place. Hopefully at least California and Florida.
Go sailing .
Go hiking regularly leading to a reasonable over night camping trip.
Go on a cruise.

That is enough for now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

May it bless us all with good health. For with health everything else can be had.